


fix our broken pieces one at a time

by liviafan1



Series: the skies are gold [2]
Category: Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, F/M, Fix-It, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-01-29 04:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21404335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liviafan1/pseuds/liviafan1
Summary: "Can you look at me while we talk about this?”Veronica doesn’t say anything to that and the silence hangs in the salty air between them.“Jesus Christ, Veronica, you’re scaring the shit out of me,” Logan says roughly.
Relationships: Logan Echolls & Veronica Mars, Logan Echolls/Veronica Mars
Series: the skies are gold [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543063
Comments: 174
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially a sequel to “help me hold onto you,” which saw Logan narrowly avoid death and Veronica agreeing to therapy. I wanted to focus on their relationship after, and specifically Veronica’s journey in therapy. 
> 
> A gentle reminder that while this is a slightly-improved upon Season 4 Veronica (she agreed to go to therapy!), she’s still snarky, a little mean, and cynical about therapy. That will eventually change over the course of this story - as season 4 Veronica is never who I imagined her being - but for now, you can blame Rob Thomas for what I’m working with.
> 
> On a somewhat-related side note, I am a big proponent of therapy - it’s changed my life and has helped me through a lot of trauma since I started going 12 years ago when I was 17. I hope to get Veronica to a similar place.

“You want me to drop you off at your appointment on my way to the base?” Logan calls to her from their bedroom. 

Veronica stills, rolling her eyes as she spits a wad of toothpaste into the sink. “Afraid I won’t go otherwise?” She pads over to their room, nearly tripping over Pony in the process. Their girl had been a little needy since they’d gotten back from their Sedona honeymoon a few days ago, not used to both of them being gone at the same time. 

Veronica checks her hip against the doorframe with the lift of her brow, her toothbrush resting between her cheek and gums. Logan pulls on a clean black t-shirt over his muscled frame. Yum.

“Who, me?” he says cheekily, pressing a hand to the wall above her, slouching to meet her eyeline, which must be killing him. Her guy hasn’t slouched much at all in the last five years. “Couldn’t be.”

She looks up at him, smirking around her toothbrush. “Real cute, Echolls.”

“Hey.” He looks affronted. “It’s Mars now.”

She leans up and presses a minty kiss to his cheek in apology, accidentally smudging a touch of toothpaste there. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.” His mouth twitches and she plucks the lingering toothpaste away with the quick brush of her finger. “So that’s a ‘no’ on the ride then?”

“On that kind of ride, yes.” She winks exaggeratedly at him. “But I’m looking forward to the other kind later.”

He chokes on a laugh and she spins on her heel, whipping him gently in the face with her blond ponytail on her way back to the bathroom. “I guess you’ll deserve it after today.”

“You’re damn straight.” She rinses her mouth and thrusts her toothbrush into the holder on the sink. “Doin’ this for you.”

He’s uncharacteristically quiet at that but she hears the soft pad of his footsteps as she wipes her mouth across a towel. “Don’t do it for me, Veronica,” he says softly. She looks up and meets his eyes in the mirror, and the look in them is like a soft punch to the gut.

“Do it for yourself.”

She swallows a lump in her throat and she has to tear her gaze away from his. It’s too much, too vulnerable, and her hands shake with it. He comes closer, wrapping his strong arms around her from behind. He sighs, resting his head on her shoulder. “Okay?”

“Yeah,” she scrapes out. 

He nuzzles into her neck, smudging a kiss there. “I love you.”

She rests her hands over his, their wedding bands clinking together. The sound shoots a vibration into her heart. “I love you too, Logan.”

* * *

_ Don’t be a wuss, Veronica. You made it through four years of psych undergrad. You can handle some bitch-ass therapist. _

But she’s jittery in the waiting room, her knees bouncing as she thumbs through a magazine that’s a year old, her eyes glancing over the glossy pages without taking anything in. It’s sterile here in this room, and the lighting and the uncomfortable chairs remind her more of a hospital than a counseling center. 

But to be honest, she prefers it over some woo-woo place with a meditation CD on repeat and some incense burning in the corner. Maybe a place like the one Logan goes to...

She snorts.

_That was bitchy, Veronica._

It was. And she doesn’t think that now, not anymore — not _ really _. But old snarky and cynical habits die hard and this one will definitely be a hard one to break.

Besides, Logan’s therapist _ Jane _ recommended this woman to Veronica, so she imagines their counseling styles or practices are similar enough for them to be friendly. 

Her stomach rolls as she glances up at the clock. T-minus two minutes. She sighs, rummaging through her bag for a stick of mint gum to try to keep the nausea at bay. But what she really needs is something to take the edge off.

Probably too late in her life to take up smoking.

The intake forms are sitting in the chair next to her, mocking. She’d scribbled some stuff down, deemed it passable, but kept it vague. She knows if Logan were here, he’d call her out on it, ask her what the point of coming was if she wasn’t going to put in the effort.

Which, fair, but also if this woman is worth her salt, Veronica feels she should be able to see through her bullshit.

What kind of investigator would she be if she didn’t put it to the test?

* * *

When Logan handed her the referral card, she remembers thinking it was a little odd that the woman’s name is so similar to Lilly’s. 

_ Lila_. 

His warm hand lingered on hers, as if he knew what she’d been thinking (of course he had) and his bright eyes bore into hers. “Jane says she’s the best,” he promised.

Ugh. She couldn’t do this. “Logan, I don’t kno—”

“Veronica,” he tugged her closer, cupping her cheek. “You’ve fought murderers, serial rapists, gang members, Cartel thugs. This isn’t _ really _where you’re going to draw the line, is it?”

She sighed. “No.”

“Good.” He pulled away then, frowning as he looked down at her, forcing her head gently to the side.

“What?”

“I just want to remember what it looks like before it gets shrunk.” His eyes glinted in amusement.

“I’ve made that joke before,” she volleyed back.

He grinned. “I know. It’s a solid bit.”

“At least you finally admit it,” she grumbled before latching her mouth onto his to shut him up.

* * *

Veronica’s not sure what she was imagining Lila to look like, but this...isn’t it. 

Okay, that’s a lie, Veronica knew exactly what she was imagining and it certainly wasn’t a late 30-something gorgeous brunette who looked like she just stepped out of a Calvin Klein ad. 

The clock on the wall ticks loudly, mocking her. Who still uses clocks anyway?

Lila flips the pages of the form back to the beginning and lifts her gaze back to Veronica, pushing her glasses up through her shiny hair.

“You seem anxious, Veronica. Is there anything I can do to help make you more comfortable? Would you like some water or coffee or something?”

Veronica shrugs. “I’m fine.”

“Okay.” Lila smiles kindly. “Is there a place you’d like to start? Maybe what’s prompted you to seek therapy.”

Veronica snorts, gesturing toward the forms. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Yes, based on the vague details you’ve provided, it seems you have had a significant amount of trauma in your history, the first of which looks like it goes back almost 20 years ago. But you’ve never sought therapy before?”

Veronica folds her arms across her chest. “I went for a brief period then at my mother’s request, but not since.”

“Okay. So why now?”

Veronica shrugs. Is it really important?

“Veronica, forgive me for being candid, but based on your body language and your responses, you don’t really seem too keen on being here today.”

Veronica snaps her fingers. “Gee, you’re good. I’d hire you at our firm, but we don’t have any openings right now.” 

Lila barely blinks at her sarcasm, which kind of pisses Veronica off. She seems to just smile sympathetically, waiting for Veronica to give her more.

Veronica sighs. “I promised my boyf — ” she cuts herself off, swallowing. “My husband.”

“So you don’t believe in therapy.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“What are you saying?”

Veronica scoffs. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

“Veronica, I don’t want to waste my time or yours. If you don’t want to be here, I can’t force you, and neither can your husband. I’m not really sure what you’re going to get out of therapy if you’re not at least open to it.”

“Fine.” Veronica gets up from her spot on the worn couch and walks to the door, slinging her bag over her shoulder. Her hand falls to the doorknob, hesitating.

_ This isn’t really where you’re going to draw the line, is it, Veronica? _

She sighs, leaning her forehead against the door. _ Logan_. He deserves better than what she’s given him. So much better. She wants to be better. For him. For them -

For _ her. _

What the hell is she so afraid of?

Veronica spins around, steeling herself. Lila remains unmoved, sitting in her chair patiently.

“I’m sorry,” Veronica says sincerely. “My dad always said I should put sarcasm down as a second language.” She walks back, collapsing on the couch that sinks under her weight.

“The truth? No, I don’t really see the point of this. You and I can talk my problems to death and it’s not going to change them. It’s not going to fix me.”

“You think you need fixing, Veronica?” Lila asks.

“That’s pretty much the understatement of the century.”

“Therapists, counselors...we’re not really in the fixing industry. There’s too much paperwork.” Veronica smiles a little at her joke. “You said that you’re here because you promised your husband. Why does he think you need to be here?”

Veronica shifts uncomfortably. “I _ suppose _ that he’s concerned that some of my behavior and coping skills are...not the healthiest.” Okay, actually, _ that'_s the biggest understatement of the century.

“Do you agree?”

“I guess.” Veronica clears her throat. “Yes.”

“Then I think you’ve come to the right place.”

Lila wheels her chair over a few feet to her desk, snagging a pen and a fresh notebook. “Let’s just start by diving into some of the details of your life now. I’d like to hear about your job and your marriage - just get a little background. Sound okay?”

Veronica bites her lip, nodding. Logan and Mars Investigations. Piece of cake.

Fuck, she’s nauseous again. She takes in a long, slow breath, willing herself to chill out. _ Think about Logan, Veronica. _ Logan.

Her stomach unclenches just a fraction. “Before I start spilling my guts, can I take you up on that glass of water?”

Lila’s eyes are warm on hers, and Veronica knows then that this woman hears what she’s not saying. She can do this. She _ will _ do this.

“Of course, Veronica.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll recognize a small plot point in here from the end of Season 4 regarding how Neptune functions after the mayhem that Penn, Big Dick, and Clyde impose on the city.

Veronica feels out of sorts the rest of the day, uncharacteristically quiet at the office. Her dad is in and out all day as they get everything in order for his hip replacement surgery, so he doesn’t really get a chance to interrogate her the way he wants to after she throws away a few easy barbs he throws her way. 

But he doesn’t know about therapy, and she has no plans to tell him just yet. For now, it will stay between her, her husband, and their therapists.

She’s sure Logan is dying to ask her how it went, but her phone stays silent all afternoon, and she’s grateful that he’s at least given her a few hours to process it. 

_ Getting ready to head home, _ she texts him.  _ Feel like Cho’s for dinner? I can pick it up on my way. _

His response comes through just a few minutes later.  _ How do you feel about lasagna instead with a nice tall glass of wine on the side?  _ A photo comes through of the dish he’s preparing and it looks delicious, sending a growl through her stomach.  _ I finished up early today so thought I’d make us dinner _ .

He makes them dinner much more often than she does, but she imagines he’s taking extra care tonight after her session. Despite how much grief she’s given him over therapy, he’s shown her so much grace and patience and she wants to be better about appreciating him. 

_ It’s perfect _ , she replies _ . I love you. _

Her phone dings in response and she laughs, rolling her eyes.  _ Wow, has therapy already softened you? We’re not paying her enough. _

_ Watch it, pal. I’ll be home in 30. _

_ Yes, dear. Drive safe. _

* * *

She walks through the front door to find Logan leaning over the stove, barefoot in a pair of worn jeans and a blue t-shirt as he assembles a pan with a few pieces of frozen Texas toast. 

“Hey,” he throws over his shoulder in greeting, a wide smile stretched across his mouth. “I thought we’d really carb out tonight. Go big or go home.” He waggles his eyebrows. 

“Smells good.”

He opens the oven door and slides the pan inside as Veronica tosses her bag on the counter. He sets a timer and she kneels down to pet Pony, who sits just a foot away from Logan’s feet, apparently still a little needy.

“Hey, girl,” she murmurs softly. “Are you behaving for Daddy?”

Pony cocks her head, whining softly. 

“Pone, I thought that was going to be our little secret,” Logan stage whispers. 

Veronica looks up at him, amused. “You were going to keep a secret from  _ me _ ?”

He smirks, his eyes sparkling. “You’re right.  _ What _ was I thinking? Rookie mistake.”

She chuckles but it’s thin, and she’s tired, worn out as her morning catches up with her. He notices, though, of course he does. He frowns in concern as his palm reaches down to brush against her cheek. “You okay?”

She nods, clambering to her feet so she can sink into his embrace. She rests her head against his chest, nuzzling into him as she breathes in his scent, taking in the steady beat of his heart. Lets it soothe her. His broad arms wrap tightly around her, safe, and she sighs as the tension melts out of her. 

His lips brush her forehead. “I’m not going to push you to talk to me about it, Veronica, but I’m here if you want to talk, okay?”

She hums in response, her eyes fluttering closed. True to his word, they just stand there for a couple of minutes as he holds her.

Veronica swallows hard. “Does it get easier?”

He sighs, his fingers sifting through the ends of her hair. “No,” he admits. “But you get...used to it.”

She knows she barely scratched the surface today, but she feels raw, cut open for the whole world to see. All she wants is to shove everything back inside, sew herself together, and keep walking through her life.

But she has a terrible feeling in her gut that as hard as it seems right now, everything in her life would fall apart if she didn’t see it through. 

* * *

When all the dishes have been cleared away, they take Pony for a walk on the beach, enjoying the last vestiges of the sun as it starts to sink below the horizon. 

They don’t say much at all for several minutes, but the feel of the sand beneath her and her hand clasped gently in Logan’s as Pony walks in front of them is all she needs.

When they near their apartment again, Veronica tugs on his hand to get his attention. She nods to a spot on the sand a few feet away. “Mind if we sit for a few minutes?”

“Sure,” he replies easily. The three of them plop down in the sand, Pony as gracelessly as Veronica. Just like her mother. Veronica finds it endlessly amusing that Logan continues to be the pretty one in their relationship, and she never tires of pointing it out.

She drapes her arm carelessly over his thigh, leaning her head into the crook of his neck.

He kisses her forehead. “Hey listen, I think there’s something we should put on the table for discussion,” he murmurs.

She sighs. “If it’s necessary, Echolls.”

“Echolls Mars,” he corrects her in a soft low voice that makes her shiver in delight. 

She presses a smile into his shoulder. “What is it?”

“I think we need to figure out what we want to do if they pass that city ordinance regarding rent control.”

Fuck, with everything that’s gone on, it had kind of slipped her mind. Despite stopping Penn, the ripple effect of what he’d done — along with Clyde and Big Dick’s numerous misdeeds — continued to bounce through town. Old businesses were shuttering their doors every day and Veronica had a sick feeling the ordinance was the next item on the list that would come to pass.

She groans, sliding out of the cocoon of his embrace. “I was kind of hoping if I forgot about it, it just wouldn’t happen.”

Logan takes her hand, squeezes it gently. “I know.” 

She meets his eyes. “You wanna move?”

He shrugs. “I’ve loved our little place, Veronica, but I wouldn’t mind getting something a little bigger, maybe more permanent.”

Her eyebrows shoot up. “Permanent like buying a house?”

He searches her face carefully and the intensity in his gaze — the way he really  _ sees  _ her — makes her flinch. “Does that scare you?”

She swallows hard, wants to give him the answer that will avoid an argument. “You’re not referring to financially, are you?”

He lifts a hand to smooth a thumb across her cheek. “No.”

Veronica bites her lip, bracing herself. “Will you be mad if I say yes?”

His hand drops from her face and disappointment sparks dimly in his eyes. “Mad? No.”

But the hurt in his gaze takes her breath away, will haunt her for at least the next few days, and she has to look away from it before she lets it burn her alive. Instead, her eyes scan the horizon, the waves crashing on the shore.

“It’s okay,” he says softly.

“No, it’s not,” she says brokenly, swallowing it down as her fingers twist into the sand. Because it isn’t. They’ve been together for how  _ long _ , and now they’re married, for god’s sake. And yet.

She sucks in a sharp breath, and the salt in the air catches in her throat.

“Let’s say hypothetically that I - ” she breaks off, starts again. “Where the hell are we going to come up with the money to buy a place?”

“How much of the reward is your father giving you?”

“Half. So 125,000, minus the taxes, I guess.”

“How much would you be willing to put into a home?” His hand reaches over to finds hers in the sand, wrapping his fingers through hers to loosen her grip so he can link his fingers through hers. He almost always knows what she needs. “Hypothetically,” he adds for her benefit.

She shrugs. “I don’t know. Half of my cut? I have next to nothing saved, so I’d like to put a sizeable chunk away.”

She has no savings, no emergency fund, no retirement plan. Not having a dime to her name is getting really fucking old.

“Let me take a look at some of my investments and then maybe we can come up with some kind of plan.”

“Wait. Your investments for  _ retirement _ ? Logan - ”

He shakes his head. “I’m not talking about any retirement funds, Veronica. I have a few other investments, too. I just haven’t had an occasion to touch them. We’ve been living within our means and I know my money makes you…” he hesitates. “Squeamish.”

“So you hid them from me?”

He rolls his eyes. “This is exactly what I mean. I didn’t hide them from you. It’s money that I haven’t touched in years - separate from my salary, my credit, my bank accounts. It’s not a  _ ton _ of money, I’m not Echolls family rich anymore, but it can help us if you can get onboard with me contributing more.”

She gets up from the sand, dusts off her hands. “I just need to think about this for a few days. You talk to your...money guy,” she says, searching for the right words. Does he even still have one of those? “And I’ll...process.”

“Are you mad?” he asks, rising to meet her.

“Mad? No,” she parrots back at him, half-joking. 

She catches the slightest glimpse of that patented Echolls smirk before he’s pulling her into his arms, capturing her mouth with his in a kiss that has her toes curling in the sand. “I love you,” he murmurs against her lips.

“I love you, too.”


	3. Chapter 3

“What is it about the idea of buying a house with Logan that scares you, Veronica?” Lila asks her a week later.

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here, would I?” Veronica asks sarcastically, but the shiny-haired brunette doesn’t even blink.

“You two are recently married?”

Veronica’s stomach tightens — it doesn’t take a genius to know where this is going.

“Yes.”

“And how did you feel when he proposed to you?”

_ And there it is. _

“Angry, I guess. And taken aback.”

“Why?”

Veronica sighs. “Do we really have to talk about this?”

“We don’t have to talk about anything in here that you don’t want to, Veronica.” 

Veronica can tell she’s being sincere, but her words irritate, crawl under her skin. Of course she doesn’t _ have _to, but she’s not giving up an hour of her time every week (not to mention too much of her hard-earned money) to sit here and twiddle her thumbs.

“Logan and I have been together on and off since we were in high school. He knows me better than almost anyone. The fact that he asked me to marry him - “ she shakes her head. “It made me think that maybe he didn’t know me as well as I thought.”

“You never wanted to get married?”

Veronica shrugs. “When I was young and naive, sure.”

“And what? You’re older and wiser now?” the woman asks with just a touch of sarcasm that endears her to Veronica more than anything else she’s said before.

“Take your pick. Is it the losers I catch cheating on each other day in and day out? Maybe watching my parents’ marriage crumble when I was at such a _ young and impressionable age_,” Veronica mocks.

“Your parents are flawed humans, just like the rest of us, Veronica.”

Veronica licks her lips. “I know,” she says defensively. “I just don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through that, knowing that the odds are stacked against them, knowing the pain that lies on the other side.”

“But the reasons you just mentioned - the cheating, the pain - those things can happen whether you get married or not.”

“Yes, but it complicates things.”

“And yet here you are with a ring on your finger. So what changed?” Lila looks down at her pad as she takes notes and Veronica’s fingers twitch with her inability to know what the other woman could possibly be writing.

_ Veronica Mars is emotionally incapable of having a close relationship with another human being. _

“Veronica?” Lila prompts her again, looking up from her notes to eye Veronica curiously.

“I don’t know. I had a moment of...clarity.”

“Meaning what, exactly?” 

Jesus, nothing with this woman was easy.

“I had a sex dream about another man while Logan was away and shortly after I had a close call with a case. I guess it put things into perspective.”

The way Lila pauses and puts her pen down makes Veronica’s stomach fill with dread.

“Okay,” Lila says slowly, considering her words.

“Okay, what?”

“Veronica, I think it’s important to make a distinction here. These two things that happened - your dream and brush with death - did they really put things into perspective?”

Veronica frowns. “What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t sound like your views on marriage magically changed overnight. From where I’m sitting, it seems like you accepted Logan’s proposal as a reaction to both your guilt over this dream and your fear of losing your life.”

“I don’t know. Maybe they weren’t the _ best _reasons, but does it really matter? I’m married now and Logan is happy.”

Lila lifts an eyebrow. “_Logan _is happy?”

“Don’t do that,” Veronica says sharply, leaping to her feet. “Don’t twist my words.”

“Veronica, don’t you think you get a say in this, too?”

“Look,” Veronica starts, closing her eyes, “maybe it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but I’m crazy about him. I don’t want anyone else.”

And it’s not that she’s not happy with him, it’s that…

Well, she doesn’t know what she wants _ other _than him. And the more time that passes, the harder it’s been for her to ignore.

“If Logan is the man you say he is, don’t you think he would’ve understood if you said no?”

“He did. He dropped it after I said no the first time.”

“So other than the fear and the guilt that we’ve already established, what happened?”

Veronica begins to pace the length of the floor in front of the couch, biting down on her lip. “Eventually, my answer would stop being enough. _ I _would stop being enough.”

“Have you told Logan this?”

Veronica snorts. “Yeah, right. _ Hey, honey, remember that thing we did down at the county clerk’s office where we promised each other forever? The only reason I said yes was because I was afraid you’d leave me if I continued to say no. _I can see that going over real well.”

“Veronica, I’m not saying you need to go all in at one time, but I’m guessing that one of the main problems in your relationship with Logan is that you’re not open with him. Am I right?”

Veronica folds her arms across her chest, collapsing back onto the couch. “Yes.”

“Do you regret marrying him?”

“No,” she says quietly.

“So when, _ if_, you do talk to him, lead with that. Affirm your feelings for him so he feels safe and secure. I don’t know Logan, but I’m willing to bet you’re not the only one who feels unsteady in your relationship.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I wish I could promise that won’t happen, but it’s a possibility. But that’s the risk you take in any honest relationship. From what little you’ve told me, you and Logan have done plenty of hurting each other in the past when you’ve kept things from each other.”

“Yeah, you can say that again,” she murmurs. “But I need to understand the _ motivation _. How does this information benefit him or our relationship?”

Lila cocks her head, smiling a little. “You certainly are a very analytical thinker, Veronica. I can see why your profession suits you so well.”

Veronica is taken aback by the compliment. “Uh, thanks.”

“Look, I’m not someone who believes in honesty for the sake of honesty. In this situation, if this was going to hurt him and accomplish nothing else, I would advise against talking to him about it. But this is a real fear you have in your relationship, Veronica, and it’s not going to go away just because you signed a piece of paper.”

Lila scoots out of her chair and walks to the water cooler in the corner, offering Veronica a cup. She shakes her head.

“You’re smart, Veronica. Maybe you can find a way to have this conversation about your fears without bringing your engagement into the fold. Take some time, think about it. No one’s rushing you.”

“I guess,” she sighs out.

“Treat it like a puzzle. Isn’t that basically what you do for a living? Approach it like that.”

Okay, yeah, maybe this woman wasn’t half-bad.

* * *

A few nights later, she and Logan drive an hour out of the way for a secluded piece of beach after sunset. Between work (including a late-night stakeout) and Veronica checking in on her dad every day since he’d had his surgery, they’ve barely had any face time the last three days.

It’s dark now but the clear sky glitters above them and it calms the rapid heartbeat that thumps wildly in Veronica’s chest.

After her conversation with Lila, she’d really had no plans to talk to Logan anytime soon, but she hasn’t been able to stop trying to play the conversation out in her head. Testing the words on her tongue, what she’d say to make them sting less. The thought of spilling her guts _ makes _her literally want to spill her guts everywhere, but much to her surprise - the thought of keeping it to herself makes her even sicker.

Which means therapy is working or she needs to quit as soon as possible. She hasn’t figured out which yet.

“Veronica,” Logan says loudly.

She snaps to attention, turning her head to look at her husband. He lies on his back on an old cotton sheet Veronica has had for at least a decade now, relegated to the trunk of the car just for occasions like this one. “What?”

He smiles lazily, maneuvering onto his side to prop himself up on his elbow. “Were you listening to a word I just said?”

She lets out a rush of breath, turning back to face the sky. “No,” she admits. Her hands begin to twist nervously in her lap and she has to shove them down into the sand to make herself stop.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” She hesitates. “Yes.” And then - “I need to ask you something, but I don’t want to.”

“Does this have anything to do with your therapy session this week?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” he says patiently. “Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because I love you and I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she rasps, a little brokenly.

“Can you look at me while we talk about this, Veronica?”

She doesn’t say anything to that and the silence hangs in the salty air between them.

“Jesus Christ, Veronica, you’re scaring the shit out of me,” Logan says roughly.

_ Great job, Veronica, you did the exact opposite of what your therapist told you to do - make him feel safe. _

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” she sucks in a breath. “I’m fine, we’re fine, I just... _ shit. _” She finally meets his gaze again and the hollowness in his eyes swallows her whole. She doesn’t know how she lets herself forget sometimes that just because he’s in therapy doesn’t mean he’s not still a little broken, too.

He’s so steady, always grounds her, and she hopes she can do the same for him someday.

“Hold my hand?” she whispers, shaking the sand from her fingers as she wiggles them in invitation. He’s silent as he laces them together, his grip firm and steady.

She sighs. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I love you,” she says softly.

“I love you, too.”

“I know that one of the biggest problems in our relationship is that I’m not...vulnerable enough with you.”

“Veronica - ”

“Do you want kids, Logan?” she blurts out.

His forehead wrinkles in confusion. “Is this the question you’re afraid to ask me or have we completely changed gears?”

She smiles a little. “It’s my question.”

He sighs, flipping again onto his back, their clasped hands thumping to the sand between them. 

“You don’t want children, Veronica.”

“That’s not what I asked you,” she says quietly.

“You want an honest answer?”

The _ duh _sits easily on her tongue, but it wouldn’t be fair — she can’t even count the number of times she wished he wasn’t so goddamn honest all the time.

“Yes,” she says instead.

His eyes settle on hers and the rawness she finds there makes her clutch his hand tighter.

“Yes, Veronica. In an ideal world, I would love to have kids with you,” he scrapes out.

She swallows hard around the lump in her throat and she just nods in response, doesn’t know how to get the words out that she needs to. 

He lifts a hand to her face, sweeping a thumb across her cheek. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m scared,” she admits. “I’m afraid you’re going to wake up one morning and realize that I’m not enough. That you’ll decide you can’t live without those things that I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to give you.” She chokes on it, barely stifling a sob that sticks in her chest.

“Hey, come here,” he says gently, tugging her into the refuge of his body. She tries to hide her face in the crook of his neck but he stops her, cradling the back of her head as he kisses her softly in comfort.

“Veronica, listen to me, okay?” he murmurs as he looks down at her, searching her face. “The only thing in my life that I’m certain I don’t want to live without is you.”

“But - ”

He shakes his head. “Are you sure you don’t want children? It’s okay if the answer is yes.”

“I don’t know, Logan. I haven’t pictured my life with kids in it for a long time, but I also didn’t see myself getting married either.”

“And I knew that about you when I married you, Veronica. If having kids was that important to me, we would’ve had a more serious conversation about it before. But it wasn’t a dealbreaker then and it’s definitely not one now.”

“I don’t want you to give up on a dream,” she protests.

“Marrying you was my dream, Veronica. Everything else is a bonus.”

The guilt she feels over the reasons that she married him comes in a wave over her again, but she pushes it away. It would hurt him too much if he knew, and it doesn’t matter now. She doesn’t regret getting married, and she’s figured out a way to tell him about her fears without dragging that into it.

It’s enough.

“What about that whole ‘If I’m not what you want, say so,’ speech from before?” she asks.

He wraps his arms around her before he rolls onto his back, settling the length of her body on top of his. She shivers, her hands smoothing over the broad expanse of his chest. The lights in the sky reflect back at her through his steady gaze and she doesn’t remember the last time she felt this — 

Like she’s home.

“If you believed that walking away from me would make you happy, I’d let you go. But it wouldn’t be my choice.” He gently cards his fingers through the ends of her hair. “And as long as our relationship continues to work toward being healthy, there will never be another choice for me. This is it for me.” He cranes his neck up to kiss her nose and she can’t help but smile. “You’re it for me.”

Fuck, okay, she’s going to start crying for different reasons now.

“Ditto.”

He laughs, full-bodied and rich. “Did you just ‘ditto’ my romantic speech, Mars?”

“Sorry, you’re much better at those than I am. You don’t mind sharing, right?” she teases.

“Sharing implies reciprocity. I believe the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me is ‘Yeah, why not?’ when the civil servant who married us asked you if you’d take me to be your husband.”

Veronica snorts. “I promise to work on it? I can add it to my _ very _ lengthy laundry list of things to discuss in therapy.”

Logan grins, beaming back at her. “Deal.”

Veronica shivers again, this time from the chill in the air that’s begun to creep in. 

“Are you cold? We can go.”

She shakes her head. “Not yet.” She curls her arms under her, huddling impossibly closer.

“You know, this is now the _ second _ serious conversation we’ve had here on the beach in a row.”

“Huh, so it is. Eh, what can I say? The waves bring it out on me.”

He leers at her. “Oh yeah? Is there anything else they bring out in you?”

“Not unless you want to get arrested for public indecency.”

“Think they’d still have my old cell waiting for me?” he asks, almost wistfully.

She rolls her eyes. “No doubt in my mind, Mars.”


	4. Chapter 4

She doesn’t mean to, but it all just kind of spills out to her dad one afternoon a couple of weeks later while she’s checking in on him after his surgery. 

“So I’m in therapy,” she says gracelessly as she hands him a glass of water.

He blinks at her for a minute before fishing into the cushions of the couch for the remote, lifting it to flick the TV off. 

“I’m sorry, did my fix-it-all-herself daughter just say she’s in therapy?” He grasps her arm, lifting it as he makes a show of examining the rest of her. “You look fine, so it must not be  _ physical _ therapy you’re talking about.”

She wrenches her arm away and narrows her eyes at him. “Ha ha. Yes, I’m seeing a therapist.”

He cocks his head. “Your head  _ does _ look smaller.”

She flops down next to him. “Okay pops, you can’t make fun of me and then steal my material.”

Keith looks affronted. “ _ Your  _ material?”

“Uh,  _ yeah.  _ I make that joke to Logan at least once every few weeks.”

And then he’d made it to her before her first session and the whole thing has really come full circle for the two of them.

“Well, yeah, it’s a solid bit.”

“That you  _ stole _ from me.” She scoffs, kicking her feet up to tuck them up into her. She still has another two hours before she knows Logan will be home and it’s been several days since she spent any quality time with her dad. 

“Do you want me to get a dictionary for you? It isn’t stealing if I never heard you say it, Veronica.”

She rolls her eyes. “Doesn’t make it original.”

“Doesn’t make it plagiarized either.”

"This is your takeaway from my spontaneous confession? Those interrogation skills you used to have seem to have dried up with your old age.” Her mouth twitches.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks sincerely.

No.

Yes.

She hesitates. “I think I married Logan for the wrong reasons.”

Keith lifts an eyebrow. “Is there more to this admission?”  Okay, maybe he’s retained some of those skills, after all.

“I’m glad we got married and I would never change that.” She licks her lips. “But do you think it makes me a bad person?”

“It makes you an imperfect human being, Veronica,” he says kindly, patting her knee. “Are you happy with Logan?”

She looks away from him.

“Veronica?”

“Sometimes I’m afraid he’s one of the  _ only  _ things that makes me happy. I’d be so cussing wrecked without him.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“We talked about some things a few weeks ago. We’re in a good place right now.” 

“But you didn’t talk about this?”

“Other things have come up. I mean, for god’s sake, am I supposed to have a deep conversation  _ every _ night?” She sighs, biting her lip. “He  _ did _ make some comments during the bombing case about me being unhappy but I basically said it was bullshit.”

“And it wasn’t.”

“No. No, I’m starting to think it wasn’t.”

“It’s your life, Veronica. No one else can tell you how to live it so that you’re happy.”

“I know, and it sucks ass.”

“Welcome to life, honey. Have you talked to your therapist about this?”

“Yeah. She suggested making a list of everything that ‘brings me joy,’” she finger quotes, “big or small.” Veronica makes a face, wrinkling her nose.

“What’s the problem?”

“It’s just so cheesy, dad.”

“Yeah, well, there’s a lot of cheese in therapy, Veronica. Doesn’t mean it’s not effective.”

Veronica snorts. “How the hell would you know, Pops?”

“I’ve been seeing a psychologist on and off since you were a teenager. I started not long after your mom left us the first time.”

“Y-you never told me that,” Veronica says quietly.

Keith shrugs. “Didn’t seem relevant when you were a kid and now that you’re older, well...no offense, honey, but you’re pretty jaded for someone who hasn’t even reached middle age.”

“Okay, the snark is unnecessary.”

“One, the snark is never unnecessary, and two, it’s not snark if it’s the truth.”

This, this is something she’s never really understood. How her dad — a man who’s been doing the same job she has for longer, whose alcoholic wife left him, who hasn’t had a serious relationship since that’s stood the test of time — still has so much optimism about life. He’s seen the seedy underbelly of Neptune more than probably anyone else in the entire city and he’s still able to get out of bed in the morning with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.

There are too many mornings that Veronica doesn’t even know how she gets out of bed.

“You’ve seen so much shit, Dad. How…” she splutters, gesturing. Is it the therapy?

He measures his words. “The counseling helps. If you find the right person, Veronica, it’s more than just spilling your guts. Tools, exercises...it goes beyond just being vulnerable with a professional for one hour every week.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, I know this. I was a psychology major, remember?”

“Do you?” he jokes, but there’s a sincerity in his eyes that makes her flinch. “But it’s more than that, too. Surrounding yourself with good people when you’re done dealing with the filth.” He pauses. “People like you.”

“People like Logan,” she adds.

He nods. “And people like…” he trails off, cocking his head and she feels exposed, doesn’t think she’s going to like what’s coming. “Veronica, when was the last time you spent any time with your  _ friends _ ?”

Her face gets hot. “Well, Mac’s in Istanbul for another few weeks, and - ”

“And Wallace?”

She winces. “A month ago, I guess.”

“I think you might find when you write that list that your friends rank pretty high on it, so maybe you might want to think about prioritizing them.”

Veronica heaves out a sigh. He’s right.

The whole equation is out of whack, and that’s probably a large part of why she’s felt so shitty over the last several months.

Logan and her dad notwithstanding. 

* * *

“Whatcha doin’?” Logan murmurs into the shell of her ear, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. Veronica freezes, the pen in her hand falling to the table.

Fuck, she hadn’t heard the shower turn off. Her fingers itch to spread over the page, hide it from him, but it’ll make him suspicious when he doesn’t really need to be.

“Just, you know, making a list.” Attempting a casual tone seemed like the best course of action, but the lilt in her voice is a little too forced and there’s no way he doesn’t pick up on it.

“Checkin’ it twice?” he jokes, smacking a kiss to her cheek before he slides his arms away to pad into the kitchen. He hasn’t put a shirt on — and the t-shirt he wore all day is currently sitting on her otherwise naked frame — and she’s stunned into silence as she watches the muscles in his back ripple while he pours himself a glass of water. 

His body is devastating as always, never fails to snatch her breath, but in this moment, it’s his lack of interest that surprises her. 

Not in a bad way...just...hmm.

“That’s it?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. She knows him — there’s no way he didn’t pick up on her being fidgety as hell just now. 

She’s a great actor in her job, but she’s never been a great actor when it comes to Logan. At least not now, after all this time together.

He shrugs, taking a long sip of water and her eyes fall to a drop of water that misses his mouth to trail down the length of his chest.  Fuck, has it really only been an hour since they had sex?

“Feels like longer doesn’t it,” he leers at her, waggling his brows. Damn, she must’ve said that out loud. 

She snaps out of her trance, meeting his gaze, but he’s still smirking at her. He’s lucky the cockiness works for him.  He struts toward her, puffing out his chest a little, the asshole —

_ Focus, Veronica. _

Right. “You’re really not going to ask me about it?”

He rolls his eyes, cocks his hip out to rest against the island. “It’s not my business, Veronica. I trust you. If you want to tell me, you will.”

She looks up at him. “Just like that?”

He smiles, leaning down to kiss her nose. “Just like that, Bobcat.”

“Well, what if I want to tell you?” she asks defensively.

He chuckles throatily, shaking his head. “Then I’m all ears and would love to hear all about it.”

“You’re so annoyingly perfect,” she grumbles.

He laughs. “Tell me about it.”

She bites her lip, pondering. She  _ does  _ kind of want to tell Logan, even if it’s selfishly to gauge his reaction. But he always wants the words, too, even if she doesn’t always know how to offer them to him. 

He leans down on an elbow, patiently waiting for her. Always so patient. 

“Are you thinking about sex again?”

She laughs. “No.” Pauses. “Well, yes.” She huffs. “Okay, I want to tell you about it but can you just go put a shirt on first? I can’t focus.”

He cups the back of her neck and kisses her, smoothing his thumbs over the apples of her cheeks. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Your abs are ridiculous, sailor.”

“If I have to put a shirt on, I think it’s only fair if you put away those milky thighs,” he rasps against her throat as he nips at her neck, sending her toes curling.

She swallows hard. “Trust me, you’re going to want to have sex again when I’m done.”

He chokes on a laugh, pulling back to look at her face, eyes twinkling. “Someone’s confident.”

“If I’m wrong, we can eat at that terrible Thai place you love so much for dinner.”

“You’re on, Mars.” And then he’s gone, traipsing down the hallway into the bedroom.

“When you’re properly clothed, sit down next to me,” she calls after him.

“Yes, ma’am,” he drawls.

He returns less than a minute later, settling down on the stool next to her, a t-shirt pulled tight across his chest.

“Consider me your captive audience, my love,” he says, waving his hand with a flourish.

“Cheeseball.”

“I feel a poor segue coming on.”

“Speaking of cheesy…”

He snaps his fingers. “There it is.”

“My therapist gave me a little homework this week-”

“And you’re doing it?”

She glares at him with no malice behind it. “ _ Maybe _ I’ll just keep this to myself.”

“No, no, I want to hear it,” he says through a laugh. “I”ll be good, I promise.”

Veronica sucks in a breath, bracing herself for the hard part. “Do you remember not too long ago when you said I was unhappy with my life and then we had it out in the living room?”

The mirth in his eyes dims a little as he slides his hand over to settle on top of hers. He nods. “I remember.”

She opens her mouth, stutters, then closes it. She wants to say that she thinks he might be right, but she’s afraid he’ll get the wrong idea. That she could possibly be unhappy with  _ him.  _

“She told me to make a list,” she says instead. “Of everything, big or small, that makes me happy. Brings me joy.” She rolls her eyes a little, but smiles.

“And that’s what you’re doing?”

“Trying to. It’s still a work in progress, but I have half a dozen things on it now.” She hesitates. “Do you want to see it?”

“Only if you want to show it to me, Veronica.”

Her hands are a little shaky as she slides the sheet of legal paper over to him, where he’ll see his name at the top, above everything else.

His eyes fall to the page and one of his hands finds her knee just as he goes still. 

“You, Logan,” her voice cracks. “I know I don’t tell you enough, but you’re  _ everything _ to me.” He’s speechless as looks over at her, his eyes shiny. “I think you were right. I’m not completely happy with my life here.” She swallows roughly, her mouth dry now. “But the one thing I’m sure of is you.”

“Veronica,” he chokes out, reaching over to pull her into his lap. His mouth swallows her squeak of surprise as his fingers thread through her hair, his other hand sliding under her shirt to cup her bottom. She hums against his lips, pouring everything she has into him. 

This.

This is where she wants to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been (mostly-ish) smooth sailing between these two for the last couple of chapters, but Veronica still has plenty of work to do that won't be conflict-free.
> 
> Thanks for following along with me!


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t like it.”

“Give me a reason.”

“It’s too…” she flourishes a hand. “You know.”

“I really don’t, Veronica. You’re going to need to give me a hint, here.”

“I don’t know. It’s just too _ much_.”

He rolls his eyes. “And by that you mean, too much _ money_.”

“That’s not what I said,” she protests.

“You didn’t have to.”

He looks defeated as he walks away, leaving her there in the empty kitchen with the gorgeous sinks, marble countertops, and brand new appliances to talk quietly with the realtor in the hallway. She can’t make out what they’re saying, but her imagination runs wild.

_Sorry about my wife, Tom. She’s incredibly picky and has this annoying hangup about being 100 percent self-sufficient. Maybe you’ve got a few 300-sq. feet cardboard boxes on the market we can redecorate? _

Veronica sighs. The house is beautiful. It’s not too grand and it’s much more spacious than their current apartment. She feels like she can fucking _ breathe _ here. And the best part -

It’s not in Neptune but still close enough to Mars Investigations and the Navy base that neither of them will be grouchy about the traffic.

She knows they’re married. Even legally, it’s _ their _money. She wishes she could explain her hangup about the whole thing to her husband, but truthfully, she barely understands it herself.

And she’s been too busy in therapy talking about other things to circle back to the money conversation. 

She’s going to have to make it a priority, though, because they don’t have much time before they need to be out of their apartment.

“You ready to go?” Logan asks, interrupting her thoughts. 

She bites her lip.

“Veronica?”

“Yeah,” she expels a breath.

He must see something there written on her face because his frown lines ease and he bends down to kiss her on the forehead. “We’ll figure it out.”

* * *

Veronica takes her dad’s advice and hits Wallace up while Logan heads down to the beach with Dick to catch a couple of waves. 

“It’s been awhile, Vee,” Wallace says non-accusatory, taking a sip of his milkshake. Veronica called him up this morning, asked him if she could treat him to lunch at one of their favorite burger and shake haunts, knowing that even if he was a little annoyed with her for being distant that he probably wouldn’t refuse the offer.

“I know. I’m sorry. I think I’ve been a real shitty friend lately,” she admits.

He shrugs. “You been busy, I get it. No harm, no foul, you know.”

Veronica shakes her head. “No, I don’t just mean the last few weeks. I mean...in general.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m going to try to be...better.”

Wallace cocks his head. “You feelin’ okay?”

She smiles a little. “Yeah, I guess you can just say that I’ve had a series of epiphanies lately thanks to my dad and my...therapist,” she stage-whispers.

Wallace chokes on his milkshake. “No way. You?”

“I know. I gotta say I expected hell to freeze over much later than 2019, but the world’s gone to shit, so I guess it was inevitable.” She smirks.

“Seriously, though, I’m sure that can’t be easy for you. I’m proud of you, Vee.”

She flushes. “Thanks, Wallace.” It means a lot to her. She nudges him. “So how’s the ole ball and chain?”

He grins. “She’s pregnant.”

Veronica’s jaw drops as she slaps him playfully on the shoulder. “Fennel, you stud.”

Wallace laughs, practically beaming with pride. “She’s 12 weeks today.”

“That’s great. Tell her congrats for me.”

“I will.”

“Actually,” Veronica takes a thoughtful bite of her burger. “Why don’t the three of you come over next weekend for dinner? I know it’s a tight fit in there, but might be the last time we’ll entertain in the apartment.”

“Did your boy finally convince you to buy a house?”

Veronica swallows, licking a spot of ketchup that lingers on the corners of her mouth. “He’s mentioned that to you?”

“Yeah, he wanted a few pointers to get you to say yes,” Wallace rolls his eyes, “But I told him straight up that he was an idiot because he’s the one who knows you the best.”

“I’m kind of struggling with the whole thing. We found this perfect house the other day and I told him no.”

“Why?”

“At first, I thought it was the commitment, you know? The _ permanence _of buying a house together with mostly his money.”

“But you don’t think that now?”

She throws her hands up. “Who the hell knows? We’re married now, for god’s sake, so what difference does a house really make?”

“What does your therapist say about it?”

“I brought it up once but we got sidetracked down a different conversation and we haven’t circled back yet.”

“Sounds like you should probably get on that.”

Veronica’s eyes narrow. “Gee, you think?”

“Hey, just tryin’ to be helpful.”

“You could be _ really _ helpful by bestowing your own wise and sage advice on me.” She flutters her eyelashes.

“Veronica, I’ve spent the last almost 20 years trying to understand you. And there’s one thing I’m certain of.”

“Yeah?” she asks hopefully.

“You’re an enigma.”

She throws her napkin at him. “Not helpful.”

They’re interrupted by the buzzing of Veronica’s phone. She looks down at her screen and frowns.

“Hang on, it’s Logan. He’s supposed to be out surfing with Dick.” She lifts the phone to her ear. “Hey. Everything okay?”

“Hey, glad I caught you.” On the other end, Logan sounds flustered. And busy. “I know the timing sucks, but I got called in."

Veronica’s stomach drops along with the French fry in her hand. “When are you leaving?”

“My flight’s in three hours.”

“Fuck.” She grits her teeth. “How long will you be gone?”

“You know I don’t know the answer to that, Veronica.” 

“What about the apartment?” The landlord already found someone to fill their spot come the first of the month and they would have to pay through the nose to get out of the arrangement.

“I don’t know,” he says irritably.

She’s taken aback. “Why are you being salty right now?”

He sighs. “Just...nevermind. I’m tired.”

“No,” she says firmly. “Say it.” But she knows exactly why he’s frustrated because it’s the same reason she’s frustrated with herself. 

“We’ve looked at a dozen places, Veronica. At least three of which I _ know _ you like.” Because he knows her, just like Wallace said.

There it is. His patience is starting to wear thin. “So much for ‘we’ll figure it out,’” she mutters.

“I meant what I said earlier,” he says quietly.

“Doesn’t sound like it now,” she bites back. 

And now she’s picking a fight with him because she’s frustrated about the apartment and angry that he’s leaving again. 

He’s always leaving.

“Don’t do this, Veronica.”

But she can’t help herself. She wants to yell, tell him not to go, tell him she needs him here, that she’s tired of missing him, so fucking tired of missing him and not knowing where he is or when he’ll be back. 

_If _ he’ll be back.

She says none of that. “Have a safe flight.”

“You’re not coming home?”

She swallows hard, her eyes slamming closed. Don’t do it, Veronica. “I’m in the middle of lunch with Wallace,” she says lamely. She regrets the words as soon as they leave her lips.

“Fine,” he says, his voice clipped. And then the line goes dead.

No “I love you.” No “goodbye.”

It’s exactly what she deserves. 

* * *

“You started an argument with Logan before he left. Why?”

“We hadn’t fought in a couple of weeks?” Veronica jokes weakly.

“Do you resent his job, Veronica?”

“It’d be pretty hypocritical of me, don’t you think?”

Lila shrugs. “Maybe. Doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to those feelings, though.”

Veronica respects the hell out of what Logan does and he takes so much pride in it that she would never ask him to give it up, especially with the level of danger her job puts her in, too. 

But does she curse the navy every day for taking him away from her? For making her heart come to a complete stuttering halt every time he has to leave?

Well, yeah. 

And she has no idea what the fuck to do with that because she thinks maybe he loves her enough to give it up, but she doesn’t want that, doesn’t want him to resent her someday for taking away one of the only things in his life that’s given him purpose.

She sighs. “Yeah, I hate it.”

“Why?”

She laughs hollowly, throwing her hands in the air. “Christ, take your pick. The unpredictability of it, not knowing when he’ll leave, when he’ll be back.” She swallows a lump in her throat. “_If _he’ll be back.”

“You’re worried about him dying.”

“All the time.”

She has nightmares when he’s gone, had to start keeping a few extra sets of sheets in a drawer near their bed because of the number of times she wakes up gasping in a cold sweat.

“You’ve never told him this?”

“What’s the point? He can easily say the same thing about my job.”

“Yes, but that’s not the point.”

“Then what _ is _ the point?” Veronica snaps impatiently. Therapy has been useful for her, but fuck if sometimes she doesn’t resent the meandering and long-winded ways they arrive at a conclusion.

“Veronica, you’re picking fights with Logan because you’re angry and scared. I’m sure on some level, he realizes that. Your reaction isn’t uncommon for spouses in your situation.”

“So?”

“He still deserves to know how you’re feeling and you deserve to be able to tell him. It might not be _ fair _ but emotions rarely are.”

“Okay, seriously, is there not an end to all these annoying conversations I’m supposed to have with my husband about my feelings?”

Lila’s mouth twitches as her eyes glint in amusement. “I’m afraid not, Veronica. It’s this other annoying thing called ‘life.’”

Yeah, yeah.

* * *

When Veronica gets home that night, she shoots him a quick email over a glass of wine and her favorite Mama Leone’s dish before she collapses onto the sofa with Pony on her chest.

She really should invest in a weighted blanket. Maybe she'll ask for one for Christmas this year.

_ L - _

_ I was an asshole (surprised?) and I’m sorry. We can talk about it when you get back, but maybe I can start by apologizing over Skype? Naked, of course. _

_I love you._

Her phone pings hours later just as she’s crawling into bed. She should’ve been asleep hours ago, God knows she’s exhausted, but she’s gotten into a bad habit of avoiding bedtime when he’s gone.

It’s only been four days since he left, but she misses him terribly and the bed no longer smells like him. Thank God the man loves t-shirts, so she’s got an endless supply to choose from.

She gives Pony one last pat on the head before she flicks off the lamp and swipes open her phone to find a response waiting for her. 

_I love you, too. Skype tomorrow at 8 p.m. your time? Not sure I can handle a Naked version of Apology Hour, though. I might spontaneously combust, which would put the whole operation at risk._

She smiles, pressing her fingers to her lips. Even when they fight, he's still her Logan.

_ Stay out of trouble. _

When her eyes fall to the last line of his email, she snorts so loud that it startles Pony.

_ P.S. - Thank Lila for me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I appreciate it more than words can say.


	6. Chapter 6

Veronica barely makes it back from a walk on the beach with Pony to catch the trill of Skype on her computer. She’d completely lost track of time hunting down some cheating skel to the Camelot and then she’d gotten waylaid by a phone call from Mac. Their communication these days was spotty at best, so she didn’t want to have to reschedule when she didn’t know when their next opportunity to talk would be.

Thankfully, their conversation had been short, since Mac just wanted to surprise Veronica with the news that she’d be back in Neptune permanently in just a few short weeks.

At least while she figured out her next move after spending months away overseas. Veronica knew it was always a matter of time with her friend - Neptune would never be able to contain a spirit like Mac’s. 

And Veronica will take whatever she can get right now, even if it’s just a sliver of Mac time. After she’d burned whatever friendship bridge she’d managed to build with Nicole — who still wasn’t thawing despite Veronica’s renewed sense of appreciation for her friends, not to mention the endless amount of apology texts — having a girlfriend nearby would be a welcome change. 

Veronica answers Logan’s Skype call with the swipe of her fingers just as she slips one of his worn navy sweatshirts over her head. Pony had been particularly rambunctious after being cooped up in the apartment for most of the day and Veronica didn’t have the heart to usher her back inside just because she’d forgotten her jacket and the ocean air was colder than she’d anticipated.

“Hey, I thought you were supposed to be taking clothes  _ off _ , not putting them back on,” Logan teases her in greeting.

“Sorry, stud,” Veronica says regretfully. “I may have let Pony have a run at the ocean before our call, so I’m cussing frigid.” She pulls a throw off the end of the couch and throws it over herself.

“Just as well, can’t afford any heart attacks with this crew,” he says with a smirk she can just barely make out as the screen fuzzes up. 

Just another spotty connection to add to the endless list she’s suffered through over the last 6 years. 

“You’re breaking up, bud.”

“Can you see me now?” Logan jokes, waving his hand slowly in front of the camera. 

“I wish I could see all of you,” she says softly. She doesn’t really intend for him to hear it, but the gentle start of surprise on his face tells her it comes through anyway.

“Are you okay, Veronica?”

“No. Yes.” She shrugs, pulling her knee up to rest her cheek against it. “I’m sad without you,” she admits. She suppresses a wince, hates the way the vulnerability makes her feel but she wants him to know how much her entire being just  _ aches _ when he’s away.

“It didn’t really seem that way when I left,” he replies quietly, but not unkindly. His eyes are soft on hers and she just wants to wrap herself up in him. 

“I know, I’m really sorry, Logan. I was frustrated and lashing out. I was already frustrated with myself over this bullshit with buying a house and then you leaving...it just pushed me over the edge.” She bites her lip. “But it’s not an excuse to be an asshole to you when you’re so patient with me, and I’m sorry.”

“Do you...feel like this a lot when I leave?”

She hesitates. She really doesn’t want to get into this over a shitty internet connection.

“Veronica, I can see the wheels turning in your head. Tell me the truth.”

She sighs. “Yes. I feel like this every time you’re gone. I miss you and I worry and obsess and the nightmar - ”  _ Fuck _ , she hadn’t meant to mention that. She cuts herself off, trapping the rest of the words on her tongue.

He’s quiet, too quiet, as he rubs the back of his head in thought.

Veronica bites her lip. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“You’ve never said any of this to me before,” he says, sounding hurt. 

“Yeah, you’ve seen what I do for a living, right? Not exactly in a position to be making demands, sweetheart.” She scoffs.

“Telling me how you feel, telling me that you’re having  _ nightmares - _ yeah, don’t think I missed that - when I’m gone isn’t making demands, Veronica. You’re my wife and I love you.” 

“Logan - ”

“I don’t care if you don’t think you’re being rational or fair, I want to know about it.”

“Look, I - can we talk about this when you get home? I’d rather do it in person.”

He frowns, his mouth forming a thin line. “I’m not going to forget about this conversation.”

“Logan, I promise, okay? I just hate having serious conversations without you here to...ground me,” she confesses, feeling flustered.

“I ground you?” he asks, perplexed.

“Uh, hello, Mr. Observant, you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed that literally every time we have a serious conversation, I’m touching some part of you?”

His perplexion shifts to amusement. “Honeybunch, when are we  _ not _ touching?” He waggles his eyebrows.

She rolls her eyes, but her cheeks flush at his words. “Yeah, yeah. You’re a sex god, blah blah blah.”

He looks around comically. “I’m going to need you to repeat that when other people can hear.”   


Her mouth twitches in amusement. “All right, Echolls Mars, we are shifting out of this precarious territory into something else. Guess who called me today?”

“If you say Stosh Piznarksi, I swear to  _ God _ , I will fly to New York so fast -”

Veronica’s rich laugh interrupts him. “Not in a million years, but good to know that jealous streak is alive and well.”

Logan cracks his knuckles, but she knows he’s just putting on a show. He’s not that guy anymore -

When she’s not goading him, that is.

“I’m all ears, darling.”

She snaps out of her thoughts. “Our good friend Cindy Mackenzie will be back in Neptune in three weeks,” she informs him with a grin.

“Oh good, I can’t wait to see the look on her face in person when I tell her you called her Cindy.”

“All right, I’m hanging up on you,” she threatens.

“No,” he says through a tinkling laugh. “I’ll behave. Scout’s honor.”

“You were never a Scout.”

“ _ Shhh _ , don’t tell the boys,” he stage whispers. Honestly, her husband.

“I love you, Logan.”

The look he shoots her fills her insides with warmth. Her Logan. “I love you too, Bobcat.”

* * *

Three nights later, Veronica startles awake, her heart thumping loud in her chest and her body slick with sweat.

She dreamt that Logan had been blown up by Penn Epner’s car bomb. She still shudders to think how close a call they’d had, how she’d come so close to losing her husband forever just hours after marrying him.

“Jesus, you weren’t kidding.” She hears the murmur of her husband’s voice before her eyes adjust to the dark, making out his shape as he crosses the foot of the bed over to his side.

“You’re home?” she asks, sighing in relief.

“Just walked through the door ten minutes ago,” he says softly, cradling her jaw as he presses a kiss to her forehead. 

“Sorry, I’m kind of disgusting,” she jokes weakly. She has no clue what time it is but she feels like she barely slept at all, her eyes like sandpaper.

“Don’t apologize,” he replies gently. “Do you want to hop in the shower and I’ll change the sheets before we try to get some sleep?”

She shakes her head. “Will you shower with me?”

“Veronica, you have to be  _ exhausted - _ ”

She presses a finger to his lips. “Not for sex, cowboy. Just…” she trails off, shrugging helplessly. She just wants to be close to him.

He kisses her nose in understanding. “Go start the water. I’ll change the bedding and be right in.”

She nods, resting her head in the crook of his shoulder for a moment, gathering herself as her heartbeat finally settles at its normal resting rate. She sags against him.

“I’m glad you’re home.”

“Me too, love.”

* * *

“Let’s go buy the house.”

He stares at her like she’s grown three heads. “ _ What? _ ”

“The house, let’s go buy it.”

After Logan had gotten home just before 3 a.m. the night before and they’d taken a shower together, they’d climbed back in bed, wiped, and didn’t leave the room for another 8 hours, finally waking to Pony’s whines. 

It’s noon now and they’re curled up on the couch finishing a round of Logan’s chocolate chip pancakes, one of Veronica’s favorite comfort foods.

She’s never told him that. But he knows somehow. He always knows.

“I’m sorry, who are you and what have you done with my wife, Veronica Mars?”

She throws him a look. “I know I’ve been dragging my feet on this thing, but really what other option is there? I have to  _ do _ it. The fear’s not going to go away with one hour of therapy or 800 hours of therapy.”

“Wait, why does buying a house with me scare you?”

“It’s not the  _ house _ , exactly. It’s the money. Having to rely on you for the most basic form of living. If we break up or you leave -

Logan holds his hands up. “Hold on, why are you talking about breaking up?”

“I’m not. Hey, Logan, hang on, okay? Come back to me.” She lifts a hand to his face, grounding him. “I’m not saying any of these things will happen or are even likely to happen. Look, you know me. Worse case scenario, pessimistic Veronica Mars. I can’t afford a house like that on my own. The thought of me putting so much of my money into a house like that and not knowing what could happen in the future...it scares the shit out of me.”

He cocks his head. “Veronica, you get that you’d be taken care of, right?”

Now she’s confused. “What?”

“If I die -”

Jesus Christ. She looks at him sharply. “Logan.”

“We’re married. If I die, everything I own automatically goes to you.”

“Okay, well, assuming you don’t fucking  _ die, _ you asshole.”

He takes her hand, rubbing his thumb soothingly over her knuckles. “Sugar puss,” he starts with just the barest touch of sarcasm, “We didn’t exactly sign a prenup before we tied the knot. You’d be entitled to half of what I own.”

“Which is what, exactly?”

“Oh, now you want to have  _ that  _ conversation?”

“Well you’ve been kind of vague about the whole thing anyway. The money that we’re putting into the house, where did it come from? I know the military can’t be paying you  _ that  _ well.”

“Look, I know Dick makes jokes about me not having any money, but that’s not really the case. I live below my means because there’s no reason for me not to.”

Veronica waves her hand. “Continue.”

“Look, after I found out about my half-brother Charlie, I started tying more of my trust fund up into investments. And then when I joined the Navy, I invested an even bigger portion. Why do you think I was living with Dick when I was home?”

“You enjoy his company?”

Logan snorts. “I have my limits.” He shakes his head. “But no, it’s because it never made any sense for me financially to get my own place when I was gone all the time. It made more sense to invest it so I’d have more freedom in the future to do what I want with it.”

“How much?”

“I don’t have the  _ exact _ dollar amount.”

She rolls her eyes. “Ballpark it for me, handsome. Millions?”

“Yes.”

She’s quiet after that, doesn’t quite know what to say. She knew he likely still had a little bit of money somewhere, but she didn’t think he was -

Well, wealthy anymore.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Mars?” he asks, smoothing his thumb across her cheek.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me before this? I mean, how many years would we be married before you were like, hey, honey, by the way, I’m still a  _ millionaire _ . I mean, we live in a glorified box by the ocean, for god’s sake.”

“Because I  _ know _ you, Veronica. You’ve always been hung up on money and I hated the way you looked at me when we were kids and I was out flaunting it.”

“It was never the money that was the problem then, Logan. It was what you did with it. You’re different now and you’re clearly being smart about it.”

“I didn’t mention it before because I’m happy with the way we live, Veronica. And I never want you to feel inadequate. But I feel like this, us moving into a house, makes perfect sense right now.” He nudges her forehead with his. “We’ve outgrown the box, my dear.”

“So we can  _ definitely _ afford this house then?”

“Veronica, if this house had children, we could afford the family of them.”

“Got it. Okay, wow.”

“You okay?”

She nods. “Just...adjusting.”

He kisses her forehead. “I get it.”

She pops her head up. “All this time, I could’ve been a woman of leisure. Maybe this was my true calling all along!”

“Oh good, we’ve moved onto the jokes phase. According to my Veronica Mars manual, acceptance is next.”

“Mmm, you might want to consult your Table of Contents again.”

“ _ Veronica- _ ”

“God, you’re easy.” She climbs into his lap, smacking a kiss against his lips. “I’m kidding. We can call Tom tomorrow.”

Logan wraps his arms around her back, lacing his hands together. “Wait. Who’s Tom?”

Veronica frowns. “The realtor.”

Logan shakes his head, amusement swirling in his eyes as he looks up at her. “Veronica, the realtor’s name is Mark.”

She cocks her head. “Really? You sure?”

“I’m positive.”

“Huh. Could’ve sworn he was a Tom.”

“Well, maybe now that you’re  _ actually _ interested in buying a house, you’ll learn his name.”

She leans forward, resting her forehead against his. “Hmm, not likely.”

He kisses her. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“Don’t I know it.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Remind me again why we’re hosting Wallace and Shae when half of our apartment is in boxes,” Logan asks around a mouthful of packing tape as he tears off a piece with his teeth. Mmm, sexy.

“Earth to Mars,” Logan says, snapping his fingers. She jolts to attention, meeting his smirking gaze. “Oogling again?”

She rolls her eyes, but sheepishly asks him to repeat the question. He obliges.

“You forgot Noah,” Veronica replies helpfully as she wraps one of her pans in bubble wrap. She frowns, turning it over to examine it. Has she ever even used this?

“Do we use this?” she asks, flourishing the pan in Logan’s direction.

“Yes, dear.”

“Whatever, we both know you’re the real cook in this marriage.” She salutes him. 

“Can I get that in writing?” Logan slides a black sharpie out from behind his ear and holds it out to her, his face dead serious. She snatches it out of his fingers before he can blink and then chucks it at him. 

“Ouch,” he says with a laugh. Serves him right.

Veronica looks around the room in thought. “Do we have any toys?” It occurs to her now that they rarely entertain here in their little space and she’s not sure she has anything to occupy Wallace’s offspring. Though if he knows her like he should, he’ll bring his own.

“For what?”

“The kid. Noah.”

“Oh, he’s not coming.”

Veronica frowns. “He isn’t? How do you know that?”

“Wallace mentioned it in a text when we were already talking about something else.”

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Maybe he thought you wouldn’t be able to contain your excitement,” Logan teases with a glint in his eye.

Veronica knows he’s just kidding around, but she doesn’t think it’s funny. She isn’t always the most _ welcoming _ to children, even her friends’ kids, but she knows they’re a package deal. And she _ likes _ Noah —

She’d just like him more if he was a little older. What do you even say to a toddler, anyway?

“Thinking pretty loud over there, Mars.”

“I just don’t want Wallace and Shae to feel like Noah’s unwelcome.” She shifts uncomfortably, biting her lip.

“I don’t think they think that,” Logan says slowly. “Wallace said Noah was really looking forward to spending the weekend with his grandparents and this was the only time they could really make it work for a few weeks.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Logan cocks his head. “Where’s this coming from?”

“Just something I’ve been talking to Lila about. You know, not just making my friends a priority, but making room for the way they live their lives.” She hesitates. “I don’t think I’ve been doing a bang-up job in either of those departments lately.”

“Hence your insistence that we do this four days before we move into our new place?”

Veronica nods. “I’d already invited them over before we made plans to move and it’d be kinda shitty to cancel.”

“I get it.” Logan wraps his arms loosely around her, kissing her forehead. “But for what it’s worth, I think they would’ve understood.”

“I know. But sometimes I feel like all Wallace has done for the last 20 years is _ be _ understanding when it comes to me.” She swallows hard, the words catching in her throat. “I just want to do this.”

It’s such a small gesture in the grand scheme of things, she knows, but it feels weighty. It feels like it just..._ matters_.

“You think we can con them into playing an exciting new game called _ how many boxes can we help Logan and Veronica pack in 30 minutes? _” His terrible joke and the lazy way his hand runs down her spine breaks the tension in her back and she lists into him.

“You’re shameless.”  
  
“_Oh_, says the woman who spent 15 minutes earlier bent over the couch ‘fluffing the pillows,’” he adds air quotes, “while I conveniently stood behind in the kitchen.”

She huffs. “It was like 5 minutes. Not like it worked anyway,” she mumbles the last part to herself.

“Please, you and I both know _ anything _ you do works,” he growls, dipping his head to nip at her neck as his warm calloused hands slide under her t-shirt.

“And yet, I stayed dressed,” she protests, eyes slamming closed as he hits that _ perfect _ spot above her clavicle.

“Couldn’t be distracted from my goal, even if the siren Mars was singing my name,” he murmurs, painting her skin with the soft slip of his mouth.

“And now?”

He groans, one of his hands sliding down to slide into the back pocket of her jean shorts, squeezing gently. “How much time do we have before Wallace and Shae are here with the pizza?”

Veronica opens one eye, squinting at the clock on the stove. “Forty-five minutes,” she scrapes out, breathless now as he grinds his lower half deliciously against hers.

“Perfect.” His mouth crashes down onto hers as they begin their slow stumble back to the bedroom, her guilt and anxiety melting away with each step.

* * *

Nearly three hours later, Veronica is just on the edge of tipsy, happy and sated with a couple of glasses of wine and a few slices of pizza in her belly. She barely blinks when Wallace nearly trips over a box coming back from the bathroom.

“Sorry about all the boxes,” Veronica apologizes. “We’ll have you over at our new place after we get settled.”

“Yeah, maybe we could have a little housewarming party. Mac will be back by then and we can invite Dick and some of the guys from the base,” Logan adds.

Veronica wrinkles her nose.

“Yes, Your Highness?”

“Could we maybe call it something cooler? Housewarming just sounds so…”

“Domestic?” He grins, smacking a kiss across her cheek. 

“You know V, it’s just one small step between here and spending your Saturday at Lowe’s and Home Goods with a screaming baby in the cart,” Wallace says cheekily, taking a swig of his beer. 

Shae smacks his arm lightly. “Don’t scare the poor girl, Wallace. Geez.”

“It’s too late. She can’t get rid of me now,” her husband says softly. It doesn’t matter how many times Logan gives her that electric look that makes her want to crawl inside him — it still sends her stomach fluttering and all of a sudden she’s 17 again and they’re making out in the girls’ bathroom.

“Later,” he mouths silently, for her eyes only. She flushes, turning back to her friends. 

“You know, I’m proud of you, Veronica,” Wallace says sincerely. “Some big steps you’re taking.”

Veronica visibly deflates a little. She knows somewhere his words should make her happy, but it’s just a reminder of her brokenness. That these _ normal _ adult steps that people do every day should somehow be a reason for her to be proud.

“Thanks,” she says tightly.

“You guys need any help moving this weekend?” Wallace helps himself to another slice of pizza, shoving it between his lips.

“That would be gr-”

“Totally unnecessary,” Veronica chimes in, cutting Logan off. He shoots her a weird look. Wallace’s eyes flit between them suspiciously. 

“You sure? We don’t mind helping,” Shae adds. “Noah’s staying with his grandparents all weekend.”

“We don’t want to put you out,” Veronica says.

“Since when?” Wallace jokes, swiping at his mouth with a paper napkin. 

Veronica goes still, her mouth opening and closing. Logan settles a warm hand on her bare leg, rubbing his thumb soothingly over her knee, grounding her once more.

“If you’ve got some time, we’d love your help, but we don’t want to interrupt any of your plans,” Logan says helpfully. “Maybe we can take you out to dinner as a thank you.”

“What he said,” Veronica says weakly. She needs to do something, anything, to slide away from Wallace’s questioning stare. She points to his now-empty beer bottle. “Another?”

He shakes his head, his eyes too knowing, and Veronica deflates again.

“We have a romantic evening planned just the two of us before we pick up Noah, but we’re free Saturday,” Shae says, her eyes flicking between whatever silent conversation Wallace and Veronica are having. 

Veronica’s not even sure she knows at this point.

“I’m going to get some water,” Veronica says abruptly.

“I can get it.” Logan squeezes her leg. He doesn’t say it, but she hears it anyway. _ Come on, Veronica _.

“No, I got it.” Her voice is high, unnatural and she winces as she shoves his hand away to step around the couch.

Unsettled, she smacks her hip against the island, as if it’s new, as if it hasn’t been there the entire time she’s lived there. “Fuck,” she curses under her breath.

She rubs at her hip, flicking the faucet on as she faintly hears Logan ask Shae about her pregnancy.

“What’s going on with you, Veronica?”

Veronica startles, sloshing a little bit of water on her hand as she turns around to face her longtime friend. She grabs a towel from the counter and pastes a smile on her face.

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Like hell you are. You couldn’t get out of that living room fast enough.”

Veronica grimaces. “Let me ask you something, Wallace.” She tosses the towel onto the stove. “You ever get tired being friends with me?”

“What?” he asks, bewildered. “Is this a trick question?”

“Honestly? No.”

He thinks about it for a moment. “Friendships aren’t always easy. Doesn’t matter who they’re with.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Look, it’s like this: if I didn’t want to be friends with you, I wouldn’t. You _ know _ me, Veronica. I don’t mess around with the people in my life. They’re there because I want them to be. It’s that simple.”

“So all the favors, all the putting you out I’ve done for the last 20 years...it’s all fine?”

He shrugs. “It’s just a part of being friends with you. I accepted that a long time ago.”

Veronica closes her eyes. “Wallace, what I’m _ trying _ to say is that...maybe you shouldn’t have to.”

“You been talking to Logan's shrink a lot?”

Veronica snorts. “I have my own, thank you very much.”

He smirks before he regroups, serious again. “You’ve been there for me in your own weird little ways. Do I wish sometimes that we didn’t all orbit around you -”

“That’s how you feel?” she splutters. “That you all..._ orbit _around me?”

“Veronica, I mean this with all respect, but you really haven’t changed much since high school. Sometimes I think you’ve only been more beaten down, you know?” He rubs his chin in thought. “But the rest of us — hell, look at Logan. I barely recognize that boy some days, and I mean that in the best way possible.” He looks over at Logan and Shae, who still seem deep in conversation. “We’ve all changed, but we’re all still here.”

She honestly doesn’t know whether to be insulted or touched. 

“It’s not a _ bad _ thing. You’re a force of nature, Veronica Mars.” He grins.

She swallows hard. “You really think I’m the same person I was then?”

“Now? I can’t say. Seems like you’ve really turned over a new leaf with this shrink. You and I never would’ve had this conversation 5 years ago.”

Veronica releases the breath she was holding. It makes her feel better - if only slightly.

“I want to be better, Wallace.”

He lays a hand on her shoulder. “Then be better, V. You know we ain’t goin’ nowhere.”


	8. Chapter 8

It’s moving day, barely 8 a.m., and Veronica has just stumbled into the shower bleary-eyed when she hears Logan’s cell go off. 

Two minutes later, Veronica feels a rush of cool air slip into the bathroom.

“Veronica?”

“Who was on the phone?”

“My captain.”

_ Fuck. _Veronica’s jaw clenches. She pops her head out of the shower, wrapping the curtain around her body to greet her husband, whose Very Apologetic Face only serves to increase her irritation.

“Don’t say it, Logan.”

“Hopefully it’ll just be a couple of hours,” he offers.

“Shit,” she curses, pulling the curtain back. She knows it’s not his fault, it’s _ never _ his fault, but she doesn’t even want to look at him right now.

“We’re supposed to move _ everything _ today, Logan, remember?” She squeezes the bottle of body wash too hard and now there’s a glob in her hand the size of a walnut. She frowns, popping the lid back forcefully before she tosses the bottle into the corner basket with a thud.

The plan was for Logan and Wallace to move the bulk of the furniture so Veronica and Shae could transport everything else between their cars and they could be done and finished in just one day.

“We can still hire movers, Veronica.”

“I don’t want to hire movers. They either overcharge or they damage things.”

“Okay.”

It’s quiet between them for a moment, the rush of shower water the only thing filling the silence.

“I’m sorry, Veronica. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He sounds resigned and her heart tugs a little.

_ It’s not his fault, Veronica_.

She sighs. “Look, can you at least drop Pony off at my dad’s on the way?” Her dad still can’t do any heavy lifting following his hip replacement surgery, but he offered to keep Pony for the day so their girl was out of the way and safe while they were moving things in and out of the apartment.

“Yeah, I can do that. Does she still have food over there?”

“Yeah.”

Pause. “I love you.”

Ugh, he’s not playing fair. “Love you, too,” she says quietly.

* * *

Logan is gone all day, along with the last of Veronica’s good mood toward him.

Shae also ends up canceling, her morning sickness having finally kicked in. Wallace still makes it, bless him, but with horrendous weekend traffic and some pride event going on in San Diego, it takes the two of them four hours round-trip just to get to the new house and back. 

So between disassembling the larger furniture and setting it back up at the new house, the day is mostly gone.

“You sure you don’t want me to help you make another trip, V?” Wallace asks. 

“You aren’t missing your dinner reservation to help me, it’s fine,” Veronica waves him off with a tired smile. “I’m just going to take the necessities in the car tonight and Logan can come back and get the rest another day.”

She doesn’t want to stick her dad with Pony all night, so she’s just going to grab a few boxes she can manage on her own, pick up Pony, find something for dinner, and head to the house.

She’s already exhausted and even just the thought of doing that makes her want to curl up right there on the floor of the apartment and not get up until morning.

Wallace shrugs. “I’m not sure Shae’s up to dinner with the way she’s feeling.”

“Then all the more reason to be home to hold her hair back while she vomits.”

“Ya nasty, Mars.” Wallace shakes his head. “But you’re not wrong.”

“Hey, make sure they put that last part on my tombstone, okay? I think Logan’s afraid of making my head bigger, even after I kick the bucket.”

“You know he would’ve been here today if he could’ve been,” Wallace says.

“I know that,” she sighs. “Doesn’t mean I don’t get to be pissed off, even if it’s not necessarily rational.”

“Okay, no more therapy for you,” he jokes, and she can’t help but laugh because it’s true — when did she start saying stuff like that?

“Go hang with your lady, Wallace. Lunch is on me next time. Or my first born child if that sounds more your speed.”

Wallace grins. “You got it.” He turns to the door, hand on the knob, before he looks back at her. “Don’t be too hard on Logan, okay?”

“Did you give away my BFF title to my husband without telling me?”

He rolls his eyes. “I know you, Veronica. And I know your anger with Logan is more about his job than him.”

He’s not wrong, necessarily. She and Logan haven’t really had a chance to talk through this thing with the Navy since he came back from his last trip.

“Papa Bear, I appreciate the concern, but Logan and I will be fine. We’ll...figure it out.”

“You know you’ll always be my number one.”

“I know.” She grins. “Now get outta here.”

* * *

It’s nearly 10 o’clock by the time Veronica makes it to the house and there’s still no sign of Logan. It isn’t until she starts unpacking the bedding for their bedroom that she realizes she forgot Pony’s dog food at the apartment.

Fuck. She is _ not _ leaving the house again.

She shoots him a text. _ Can you pick up some dog food for Pony on the way to the house? I left it at the apartment. _

_ At this hour? Most of the pet stores are closed. _

Veronica rolls her eyes. _ It’s San Diego, Logan. Someone must be open. Or stop at the apartment on the way. _

_ It’s in the opposite direction of the base, Veronica. I still have another 30 minutes here and I’m wiped. _

She grits her teeth. _ Feel free to sleep on the floor of the apartment if you’d like. I’m going to bed because I’m just a little “wiped” myself after half our moving crew bailed. _

She tosses her phone on the bed, already regretting snapping at him, but my _god_, she has had it with today. She’s had it with moving, with Logan, with the goddamn Navy.

She’s tired of it. All of it.

If her therapist were here, she’d tell Veronica that while she’s entitled to her feelings, it doesn’t give her license to do whatever she wants with them.

No, Lila would _ not _call that a productive conversation.

She’s crying now, tears of anger and frustration, and yeah, she definitely just needs to go to bed. She can talk to Logan in the morning when she’s calmed down.

After she’s turned out all the lights, she realizes how much bigger the house really feels compared to the apartment, especially without him there. The dark of the night seems to sink into her chest and settle there in a dull ache.

She’s only just crawled between the sheets when she hears Pony whine at the foot of the bed. It’s rare that Veronica lets her sleep with them — she doesn’t want Pony to get used to it — but she’s more likely to give in when Logan’s away. The bed just feels so empty without him. 

And tonight in a big(ger) old house without him, she doesn’t have the heart to say no to her canine companion.

“Come on up, girl,” Veronica coaxes her, patting the bed. Pony lets out a little happy bark and jumps up, settling down next to her.

Veronica turns into her, scratching her behind the ears as she cuddles in closer. “All right, looks like I'm the big spoon tonight, Pone. Just don’t tell Daddy.” She lifts up one of Pony’s ears, whispers, “He’ll never admit it, but sometimes he likes to be the little spoon.”

* * *

At some point during the night, she barely registers the rustle of the bed as Logan’s cologne hits her nostrils. She feels his warm, calloused hands brush the strands of hair away from her cheek as his mouth touches her forehead gently.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he murmurs against her ear.

Her fingers, clumsy with sleep, wrap around his wrist to keep him there for a moment as she snuggles into the haven of his chest. “Me, too.”

Tomorrow, they’ll talk.

Tonight, she’s laying her armor down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a little shorter than you're accustomed to, but this scene just felt complete to me. Should be back to our normal length next chapter.
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a discussion that lightly touches on the topic of suicide.
> 
> There's also a reference to some of Logan's past issues with mental health, which were mentioned in the Veronica Mars books.

It’s just after 10 when she wakes again to the scent of bacon and her husband missing from their bed.

She’s still tired, feeling lazy, and ponders going back down for more snoozing but the temptation of breakfast calls to her.

As if on cue, Logan strolls through the door of their bedroom with a large mug of coffee in one hand and two plates filled with bacon, eggs, and toast balanced on the other arm. 

“Okay, you’re not in  _ this _ much trouble,” Veronica teases, pulling her hair back from her face. 

Logan smiles, handing off the coffee and one of the plates to her. “Well, I also realized we don’t have a kitchen table. So it was either here or the couch.” He shrugs, settling in next to her. 

“Oh, right,” Veronica frowns. They’d always eaten at the island in the apartment and never really had room for a kitchen table. She looks down at her coffee. “You don’t want any?”

He removes the cup from her hands, takes a long sip, and hands it back to her with a smacking kiss to her cheek. “We’re sharing.”

They mostly eat in silence then but it’s not uncomfortable. Pony sits next to Veronica’s side, staring up at her, cocking her head with a whine.

Veronica sets her empty plate down on the nightstand, reaching down to scratch Pony behind the ears. “I probably shouldn’t have let you sleep up here last night, huh, Pone?” she murmurs.

“That wasn’t the first time, was it?” Logan asks. She turns her head to see him looking amused, eyebrow raised.

Veronica flushes. “No. I let her sleep with me a lot when you’re gone.”

He tenses, a shadow crossing his face.

“What?” she asks.

“It’s nothing.”

She doesn’t want to push him on it, so she changes the subject instead. “Thanks for breakfast. Did you go to the store this morning for food?”

Logan shakes his head, wiping his mouth with a napkin before he tosses it onto his plate. “I grabbed a few things at the store last night when I was picking up dog food.”

“Ah,” Veronica forces a smile. “Right.” She hasn’t exactly forgotten, but after some much-needed rest, her frustration with him is way less fervent than it was last night — when all she could see was red.

Logan sighs. “You want to talk about this?”

Veronica bites the corner of her thumbnail. “Can’t really say that I do.”

“Veronica - ”

She rolls her eyes. “I don’t  _ want _ to, but I will.” She falls back gracelessly onto her pillow, staring up at the ceiling. Veronica holds her hand out between them and he takes it, linking their fingers as he settles down onto his back, parallel to her.

“Tell me about the nightmares,” he says quietly.

She stills. It’s not at  _ all _ what she expected him to say and yet she’s not surprised at all that it’s what came out of his mouth. 

“Sure you wouldn’t rather fight about our fight last night instead?”

“We both know that our fight last night was only 10 percent about me not being there to help you move.”

“20 percent,” she corrects him. “Moving is a real bitch.”

“Veronica.”

Fuck if a lump isn’t already forming in her throat. 

“Do you know why we have so many extra sets of sheets?” she asks.

“Because you hate doing laundry?”

There are fewer things she hates more than doing laundry.

“Most nights I wake up in the middle of the night. The sheets are soaked with sweat and I can’t breathe. It feels like an elephant doing jumping jacks on my chest.” She lifts the hand not holding his, placing it over her chest to feel the loud thump in her heart. 

“I know I’ve never been in a war zone and I won’t pretend to fully understand what you do or where you are half the time,” Veronica’s voice cracks. “But I can paint this entire house 1000 times over with the amount of your blood that’s spilled in my nightmares.”

She hears him suck in a sharp breath as he squeezes her hand. Her teeth clamp down on her lip as she tries to keep the tears at bay.

“And then,” she swallows hard, “And then I almost lost you  _ here _ to a fucking bomb.”

The dam breaks as she chokes on a sob, pressing a hand to her mouth as tears stream down her face. Exactly what she wanted to avoid.

“Hey,” he says gently, “Come here.” He pulls gently on her hand and she goes to him willingly, hiding her face in his chest as he cradles her head in his fingers. She gulps down a shaky breath, relishing the way his scent floods her senses.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says softly, kissing her head. “I’m right here and I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

She continues to cry into his chest as he rubs soothing circles on her back, murmuring his love for her against her temple. 

“I’ll always come back to you, Veronica,” he says firmly. “Always.”

She moves away from his chest — ugh his shirt is gross now — to look him in the eye. “You can’t possibly guarantee that, Logan.”

He lifts an eyebrow. “Just like you can’t guarantee that you’ll come home to me every night.”

“I _ know _ that,” she says defensively, pulling away from him to sit up. “Which is why I’ve never brought it up.”

Logan had struggled a lot with her job when they were young, with her safety and indomitability when it came to her work, but in the 5 or so years that they’ve been back together, it’s come up just twice and only when she’s been unnecessarily reckless. 

If she’s honest with herself, she deserved it both times.

“Hey, don’t —” He wraps a hand on her wrist. “Don’t do that. I didn’t mean it like that.”

She grits her teeth. “Then which way  _ did _ you mean it?”

He scrubs a hand down his face, trying to choose his words carefully. “I wasn’t attacking you. I want you to talk to me about this stuff even if it isn’t...fair.” 

She leans back against the headboard, wrapping her arms around her knees. “You know, I spent so much of my life learning how to be okay with being alone. People leave, or they disappoint you, or they’re murdered by their boyfriend’s father,” she pauses for Logan’s mirthless chuckle but it doesn’t come, not this time, “and after I left Neptune, I finally felt like I was...okay with it all. It got easier after the last time we broke up because I knew nothing would possibly compare to that pain.”

He looks pained. “I-”

“This is not a guilt trip, Logan. Just shut up for a second while I try to say this,” she says not unkindly, leaning down to nudge his head with hers. “Even with Piz, it just felt temporary, like I would never commit to putting all of myself into a relationship again. I was still  _ alone _ in my own way. One foot out the door.”

She wasn’t  _ unhappy _ then with Piz, but their relationship didn’t enrich her life. It felt unnatural to her core, but it was a natural move for Lawyer!Veronica, who definitely needed a stable music nerd/NPR host who doted on her to complete the Veronica 2.0 package.

“And then — ”

“During those first two weeks of bliss, the other foot snuck through the door somehow,” she says softly.

“And now you’re not okay with being left alone?”

She frowns. “No, that’s not it. I miss you all the time, Logan. I’m  _ okay _ with it, but I hate it. But the worst of it is the unpredictability. Not knowing when you’re leaving, when you’re coming back.  _ If  _ you’re coming back.” She sucks in a sharp breath. 

“If you ever…” Her eyes slam closed and she presses her palms to her eye sockets until all she sees is black. “I don’t think I would survive it.”

_ I would be sticking my head in the oven... _

She doesn’t say it, but the words from several months ago before they’d gotten married hang in the air, heavy between them. 

“Before you ask — because I know you’re going to — I’ve talked to Lila about this, but not-” she breaks off, struggling to find the words. “You know.” When she finally lifts her head, all she sees is the devastated, ashen look that consumes his entire face . 

_ Shit _ . 

She swallows. “Are you okay?”

“Veronica,” the rasp in his voice makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “Tell me that you haven’t tried anything - ”

She flinches. How can he even ask her that? “God, Logan, no. I would never - ”

“But you -”

“In the hypothetical way that you  _ fucking die _ on me, I can see it getting…” But she can’t finish it. It’s too hard. Too real. 

And he knows. It’s written all over her face.

“You need to tell Lila about this, Veronica.”

“Fine.”

The tension crackles between them in the silence and Veronica doesn’t know what to do or how to make it better.

She tears a hand through her hair, letting out an empty, hollow little laugh. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about this. You don’t get it and now you think I need to be in a straitjacket.” 

Nothing has been solved and now she’s scared the shit out of him and he thinks she’s on the brink of ending her life and  _ god,  _ she wishes she could rewind a few minutes and shove all the words back into her mouth and zip it all away forever.

It’s all wrong. All of it.

She can’t be here right now, not when she doesn’t trust herself to not make it worse somehow, not when she doesn’t have the energy to over-assure him that nothing’s wrong. 

This, she doesn’t know how to fix. 

“I’m going to take Pony for a walk.”

“Please don’t - ” The pleading in his voice yanks at her heart, almost keeps her in bed, but no, she can’t.

“I’m not running away from you, Logan, but I-” her voice cracks again. “I don’t know how to make this better for you. It’s on the table now, I can’t hide it away again.”

Veronica avoids meeting his eyes as she slips into a sweatshirt and pads away into the bathroom. She pulls on a pair of faded jeans, fumbling with the button. She realizes with a start that her hands are trembling. She clutches them in her palm, squeezing, willing them to stop. 

_ You’re fine, Veronica _ .

She manages to get her pants zipped but not before catching the zipper on the skin of her finger.

“Fuck,” she mutters under her breath, shoving her finger between her lips. She leaves the button alone, tugs the edge of her sweatshirt down over it. It’ll do until she calms down.

Pony is conked out on the couch and Veronica realizes Logan probably took her out this morning before he made breakfast. 

It’s fine, she’ll go alone. Not like she really needs the excuse, anyway.

* * *

It’s blustery and chilly this morning, the perfect complement to Veronica’s brooding mood. 

Jesus, how did everything get so fucked in such a short amount of time? She thought they’d wake up, have it out a little bit, and then move on. She’s gotten better at letting things go, she thinks, but she wasn’t really prepared for...this.

She’s not suicidal. She doesn’t even know if she’s depressed  _ technically _ , only that it doesn’t seem so far out of reach. 

But has it ever, really? She doesn’t think so, not since she lost her mother and her best friend for all intents and purposes within the span of a year.

Logan finds her 45 minutes later on a stretch of beach about half a mile down from their house. She’s surprised actually that he was able to find her — this swath of beach is unfamiliar to both of them and they don’t have a walking pattern down yet.

She sits criss-cross on an empty patch of beach — though it’s practically deserted because of the conditions — her toes buried in the sand up to her ankles for warmth. 

He settles down next to her, draping a blanket over her shoulders. 

“Thanks,” she says quietly. She grasps the ends in her hands, pulling it tighter across her body.

They sit in silence for several minutes, looking out at the waves breaking against the shore. He drapes his hand over her knee and the weight of it grounds her, unlocking the clench of her jaw and the hunch of her shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” he says finally.

She turns her head to look at him, really look at him, since she walked out of their bedroom. His eyes are red-rimmed from crying, she thinks, and her heart clenches painfully. “For what?”

“I don’t think you need to be committed. You just...caught me off guard.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I didn’t think it was this bad.”

“Logan, it’s  _ not _ this bad. I’m not -”

“I know you’re not. But knowing that I have the potential to be responsible - “

“Don’t,” she says sharply. “I didn’t tell you that so that you could put it on yourself. That’s the last thing I want. You’re not responsible for my actions, Logan. I just wanted to be honest.” She sighs. “But maybe I was too honest.”

He shakes his head. “No, I’m glad you told me.”

“Are you?”

“Veronica, the reason that I reacted the way that I did is because I still remember  _ viscerally  _ what it’s like to want to end it all.” His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows roughly. “I haven’t been in that state in a long time, but I will never forget what it felt like.”

“Oh.”

She’s never forgotten what Logan told her, about his overdoses, about why he joined the Navy. But sometimes it’s hard for her to reconcile that person and the man he is now. The fact that  _ this _ Logan could’ve felt that way once after all the work he’s put in is hard for her to imagine sometimes.

She rests her chin on her knees. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you then.”

“The idea of you being in even a fraction of the pain that I felt then, it makes me sick to my stomach,” he chokes out, tears filling his eyes. 

She cups his cheeks in her hands as she forces his gaze to hers. “Listen to me,” she says gently. “I’m  _ okay _ . I love you. I love our life together. There’s just some things I need to figure out.” 

She removes a hand from his face to swipe at her eyes with the back of her hand. Fuck, now she’s crying, too. “But this is not your problem to solve, Logan.” 

He looks at her like she’s grown two heads. “If I quit the Navy -”

“You’re  _ not _ quitting the Navy,” she says fiercely. “The closest brush you’ve ever had with death had nothing to do with the Navy. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Maybe the Navy puts you at more risk, but…” she shakes her head. “The reward, Logan. The man you are now, who you’ve become. Your  _ livelihood _ . I would never ask you to give that up.”

“You’re more important to me than the Navy, Veronica.”

She smiles, lifting a hand to her lips to kiss his fingers. “I’m not asking you to choose between us. You can have us both.” 

She bites her lip. “I need to work this out somehow. Therapy, medication, a career switch - I don’t know what it is, but you giving up your career for me will solve nothing.”

“What about me being gone so often?”

Her head falls into the crook of his neck as she wraps her arms loosely around his waist, shivering a little as the wind whips around them. “Yeah, I don’t love that part so much.”

He kisses the top of her head. “Let me talk to my CO. Maybe we can figure something out.”

Veronica smiles against his skin. “I would love that.”

“I love you, Veronica,” he croaks. 

“I love you too,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry that I scared you.”

He lets out a stuttering breath. “I just want you to be okay.”

“I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay with this one - I've been busy with some volunteering on a campaign and then was dealing with a little bit of writer's block. I think, actually, because I knew on a subconscious level where I wanted to go, but wasn't wild about writing it out.
> 
> I was suicidal on and off throughout my teens before I ultimately lost my best friend of 11 years to suicide when I was 19. Suicide is complicated and messy and I wanted to try to at least touch on it here without it coming across poorly or out-of-character to Veronica. It's an important topic for me - and so many others - and I stressed about it being too left field.
> 
> But I also didn't like that she made that somewhat throwaway comment in Season 4 about sticking her head in the oven if she were to lose both her dad and Logan — because it just never came up again. Even though I don't believe her to necessarily be suicidal, I also think what she said is worth exploring, and that those comments shouldn't be taken lightly, which is why I also plan to get into that a little bit in the next chapter with her therapist.
> 
> Anyway, I'm done rambling! If you agree or disagree, definitely feel free to let me know. Always appreciate a dialogue.
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief mentions of suicidal ideation, self-harm, and sexual assault.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Veronica’s head snaps up from its spot bent over the new picnic table they’d just picked out yesterday. All of their family and friends are coming over tomorrow for a housewarming get-together — including Mac, who finally got into town yesterday — so they’re trying to put the finishing touches on everything so all they have to do tomorrow is prep the food.

And by they, Veronica mostly means Logan. Her contribution is plenty of cookies to go around.

“Come with me to…?”

Logan lifts an eyebrow, leaning against the doorway to their house, which leads out to their nice little backyard. “To your appointment this afternoon.”

She frowns, opening her mouth, but he interjects. “Not because I don’t trust you to go,” he says, reading her mind. “I just thought...maybe you’d like a little moral support.” He shrugs. “Even if I’m just hanging out in the waiting room.”

She promised him she’d talk to Lila today about the suicidal...ideation — she swallows the word down — and as much as she’s been dreading the idea, she won’t break a promise to him —

Or herself.

“You’d do that?” she replies, her voice sounding small. She clears her throat, tries again. “Won’t you be bored?”

He smiles, pushing off the doorframe to join her. “I think I can entertain myself for an hour.” He wraps his hands loosely around her waist. “And of course I would do that.”

He kisses her nose, and while it’s a very familiar gesture, it’s weighted with something different this time. What he isn’t saying, what he’s offering her.

“I love you.” It’s not what Veronica meant to say, but it works.

His eyes are gentle on hers, his thumb sweeping across her cheeks before he leans down to capture her mouth in a sweet kiss.

“Is that a yes?”

She laughs. “Right, I guess technically I did not answer your question.” She nudges her nose against his. “I’d really like that, thank you.”

“Maybe we can stop by for ice cream after.”

She snorts. “Okay, I’m not  _ five _ . You don’t need to reward me for going to therapy.”

His jaw drops as a hand floats to his chest in mocking shock. “Are you turning down ice cream, Mars?”

Oh damn. Good point. “Okay,  _ fine _ , but maybe just to celebrate finally unpacking all your shit.”

“ _ Mine _ ? Have you seen your closet?”

“You are not winning this argument.” She rolls her eyes, poking him in the chest. “I’m not the one who had a full storage unit of stuff he never uses.”

“ _ One _ , I got rid of 70 percent of that stuff this week, and  _ two _ , did you ever think I used it as a coping mechanism after losing many of my belongings in that fire all those years ago?” He crosses his arms over his chest, looking too proud of himself.

“You know, you using all your therapeutic knowledge to guilt trip me is really getting old.”

His face breaks in an ear-splitting grin. “I’m sure you’ll be able to do the same very soon, dear.”

She juts a finger into her chin, looking skyward. “That  _ does _ cheer me up.”

“Predictable.” He shakes his head, thwacking her butt before he turns back to the house, whistling after their dog. 

“ _ Predictable? _ ” Her jaw drops. “Wow, it’s like you don’t even want to get laid tonight.”

He spins on his heel, all cocky smiles. “Sweetheart, we both know all I have to do is take my shirt off and you’re ready to ride.”

_ Literally _ . She swallows hard.

“See?” he laughs in disbelief. “You’re already blushing.”

“Oh, shut  _ up _ . It’s amazing your ego can even make it through the door.” She huffs.

* * *

“Veronica?” Lila steps into the waiting area, shooting Veronica a pleasant, friendly smile. Her gaze flits briefly to Logan, the corners of her lips twitching just slightly before she turns back to her client. “Come on back when you’re ready.”

Veronica nods, waits until Lila’s out of sight before she turns back to Logan. 

He looks up from his magazine. “You look a little pale. You’re really nervous, huh?”

“Yeah,” she licks her lips. “I’m not really sure why.”

“It’s not an easy thing to talk about.” She supposes he would know about that.

He settles his hand on her knee, squeezing gently and the pressure against her heart loosens slightly. Always grounding her.

Hmm. She bites her lip, cocking her head. 

Logan’s eyes narrow. “I see Idea Veronica is making an appearance. Would she like to share with the class?”

“Do you think, uh…” she trails off, hesitating. She knows it’s not against the rules, not if everyone agrees, but she doesn’t know if it’s the best idea...for  _ him. _

“Hey,” he encourages gently. “You can tell me.”

“I was going to ask you to come in with me,” she says, wincing as the words leave her mouth. 

He lifts his eyebrows. “Really?”

She rushes to reassure him. “Yeah, but you don’t have to if you think it would be harmful-”

He frowns, confused. “Me being there could be harmful to you?”

“Not me.  _ You _ . I don’t want to...trigger you? Or upset you like I did the other day.”

“Oh.” He rubs the back of his neck in thought. “I haven’t had those kinds of thoughts in a long time, Veronica. It wouldn’t be triggering for me.”

“Okay. And the second part?”

“You’ve told me all of it, right?”

She shrugs. “Pretty much.”

“Then I don’t think it would make a difference.”

“If it does?”

“You know the nice thing is that I  _ also _ have a therapist to help me when things get a little rough,” he teases.

She rolls her eyes. “Point taken. But you’re okay with this?”

He kisses her cheek. “I want to be there for you in all the ways that you want or need me to. Including this. Whatever you need.”

One of these days she’s really going to need to find a way to repay him for his incredible patience. She’s working on reciprocation — in that everyday sense — but she just wants that big romantic, Un-Veronicalike gesture.

She’ll figure it out at some point. Maybe she’ll bribe Mac into helping her. She was always way better at that stuff, anyway.

Logan holds out his hand, palm outstretched. “Ready?”

She blows a raspberry. “As I’ll ever be.”

* * *

“I don’t know the protocol for this. It was a little spur of the moment.”

Lila smiles kindly. “It’s no problem, Veronica. As long as the two of you are comfortable with it. That’s the most important thing here.”

Veronica nods. “I am.”

Lila looks expectantly at Logan, who gives her a small smile. “I’m good.”

“Great, let’s get started then. Now, is there an issue between the two of you that you’d like me to help facilitate? Or is Logan just here for moral support?”

“Um, t-the second one,” Veronica stammers out. God, why is she so nervous?

“Okay. Is there something specific you wanted to talk about today, Veronica?”

Veronica bites her lip. “Yeah.” She smoothes her sweaty palms across the denim of her jeans as her gaze slides up to the ticking grandfather clock in the corner, willing the beat of her heart to match its metronome.

_ Tick. Tick. Tick. _

When does the  _ boom _ come?

“Veronica?”

She jerks, flushing a little with embarrassment. “Sorry. I’m not sure where to start.” She lets out a slow, shaky breath as Logan’s hand settles heavily on her knee. Her own weighted blanket. 

“I’m here,” he says gently.

Her breath steadies, as if by magic, and the encouraging smile and little nod he offers is the courage she needs to continue.

“I told Logan about the nightmares I’ve been having when he’s gone. About him...dying.” Her nails curl into her thighs. “I think about it a lot, about what I would do if I ever lost him.”

_ Pony up, Mars. _

“What would you do, Veronica?” Lila looks up from her notes, pen poised between her fingers.

“I don’t think I’d survive it.” It’s a weak admission, but she needs to work up to it.

“Can you explain what you mean by that?”

“I think about dying.”

“About ending your life?” Lila asks carefully.

Veronica frowns. “I mean, not in so many words, no.” She pauses, considering her words. “It’s more like fleeting thoughts. That everything would be easier. No plans or an idea of what it would look like or anything,” she rushes out. Logan inhales sharply beside her, stiffening slightly, but she can’t bring herself to look at him. 

“I know this is difficult to talk about, Veronica. And I imagine it isn’t easy for you to hear, Logan,” Lila says sympathetically. “But we need to be as clear as we can so we can address it in the best way.”

Veronica swallows roughly. “Okay.”

“To clarify, you have not made any plans to end your life?”

“No.”

“Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself?”

“No.”

“Do you actively think about your own death?”

“No.”

* * *

The session feels neverending.

“Veronica, the way you’re describing this seems to be a sort of passive ideation, if we had to put a name to it. To your best recollection, do you know when you first had these kinds of thoughts?”

“The first time I can remember was after Lilly died and my mother left,” she replies quietly. “And then the night I was sexually assaulted.”

She wishes sometimes that she could have that entire year wiped from her memory. She’s been through so much shit in her life, but nothing would ever compare to the gut-wrenching pain of those months — losing her boyfriend just before the death of her best friend, only to watch her mother fall down a deep alcoholic spiral before abandoning her altogether. 

And then her rape. 

It all kind of swirls together in one large painful haze and Veronica still hasn’t really untangled it all.

Lila’s forehead wrinkles as she lifts her eyebrows. “We haven’t discussed all of these events in your life, Veronica.”

“No,” her mouth goes dry. “Guess they just haven’t come up yet.”

“You might be surprised by how much a person’s past can affect how they act in the present, even if they think they’ve put it behind them.”

It doesn’t surprise Veronica at all, but she’s been so focused on her marriage to Logan and navigating it that she just hasn’t gotten around to a ton of the early stuff, other than skimming the surface of Lilly’s death when they dove into Logan and Veronica’s history.

“Have you had these thoughts on any kind of consistent or regular basis since that time all those years ago?”

Veronica shakes her head. “No.”

“Would you say it was worse then or now?”

“Then. They’re not consistent now. Just sometimes.”

Lila puts her pen down and it signals relief in Veronica’s body as she slumps into the couch a little, listing into Logan’s side. 

“I’m so proud of you,” he murmurs against her temple, for her ears only.

“I appreciate your honesty, Veronica. It’s never an easy topic to talk about, regardless of how long a person’s been in treatment. Thank you for trusting me with that information.”

Veronica swallows her emotion down, caught off guard by the sincerity in both Logan and Lila’s words. 

“Having said that, while I don’t believe you’re in any danger to yourself, I still would like us to put together a crisis plan.” Reading Veronica’s face correctly, Lila adds, “It’s standard for anyone experiencing suicidal ideation, no matter how mild or severe it may be, so I don’t want you to take it as a comment on what you told me.”

“What does a crisis plan entail?”

“It’s pretty straightforward. In the event that your thoughts would turn more serious, it’s a good idea to have a plan in place. People you can call, action steps you can take. I try to tailor it as much as possible to the individual, so since you have expressed no detailed thoughts or intent, your plan could be pretty basic.”

“Do we need to do it right now?”

The session is scheduled to be over in a few more minutes, but Veronica is the last client of the day.

“You know, generally when a client expresses severe thoughts, it’s essential to put something in place as soon as possible. But your case is mild and usually circumstantial, so I think we can wait until next week.”

“Oh thank god,” Veronica groans. 

Lila laughs. “You’ve done great work today, Veronica. You should be proud of yourself.”

Veronica flushes as she gets to her feet, straightening her shirt. “Thanks.”

“It was great meeting you, Logan. I’m glad that Veronica has someone like you in her life.”

Logan beams a little under the praise, and god, he is such a therapist’s pet, but he deserves to relish in it. Veronica squeezes his arm in agreement. 

“Thank you,” he says warmly. “The feeling is mutual.”

They walk out in silence, their palms kissing between them. 

When they reach his car, Veronica looks around before she shoves him gently against the driver’s side door and lunges for his mouth, capturing it in a searing kiss. Logan gasps against her mouth in surprise, but recovers quickly, sliding one hand to fist in her hair as the other slips into the back pocket of her jeans, tugging her into him. 

Her tongue slides into his mouth and a moan escapes him, sending her toes curling into her shoes.

Moments later, she breaks away, smudging her fingers across his kiss-swollen lips.

“What was that for?” he asks, breathless and perfectly mussed.  _ Fuck _ , she is dragging him straight home into bed after they swing by the ice cream shop.

“For what you did for me in there.”

He cocks his head, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t do much.”

“Yeah,” she says softly. “And that was everything I needed.” His eyes light up as he sucks in a breath, a smile flirting at his lips. 

“Seriously, Logan. You sitting there, just being  _ with _ me, beside me…” she shakes her head. “You didn’t insert yourself. You didn’t judge me. You just sat there and held me when I needed you to without me saying a word. Do you know how incredible you are?”

“Veronica,” he chokes out, his eyes shiny. He slides his fingers through her hair to grip the back of her head, smoothing his mouth across her forehead. He sighs, and she feels the tension slowly start to melt from his body as her hands rub circles against his back. 

“Listening to you say those things in there…” he trails off, the words breaking in his mouth.

She swallows, her eyes fluttering closed. “I know.” She knows how hard it must’ve been for him to listen to her speak her truth. “Another one of a million reasons I needed to say thank you.”

“You know I’d do anything for you,” he rasps, kissing her forehead. “I love you so much.”

She wraps her arms around him on a contented, exhausted sigh. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is hard sometimes, guys.


End file.
